Meet Jon Staenberg, the latest Silicon Valley Tool. Here's an assessment you won't get on LinkedIn: "Every time I meet him, I feel like I need to take a shower," says a Valleywag tipster. Why the unclean feeling? It's not clear why Staenberg should generate such visceral dislike. And yet he's a sort of Silicon Valley Everyman. He worked at Microsoft from 1988 to 1994, which means he got a firsthand education in how to scream at your colleagues and made a lot of money on stock options. He's now an "advisory partner" — translation: not a real VC — at Rustic Canyon Partners, one of the VC firms foolish enough to back perpetual money-raiser Visto. And he's on the board of LimeLife, a wireless-content startup which targets women. I guess it's board meetings at that last company which drive Staenberg out into the woods to get reacquainted with his masculine side. After the jump, an email Staenberg sent to friends, casual acquaintances, and at least one frenemy, recounting his recent trips to the "Family Farm," a Bohemian Grove-like elite retreat in bucolic Woodside, Calif., close to the VC epicenter of Sand Hill Road, and to Buenos Aires.