A lot of people happily sat through Saturday Night Fever and in doing so made the following possible: The Bee Gees, medallions, afros on white men, and (most presently relevant) the movie Old Dogs. Thanks a lot movie crowds of the 1970s. Thanks for nothing. I'd continue bashing the disco movement if I didn't fear that some day my own child might loop me in with a group of people he's smarting off about for buying tickets to see the latest Transformers sequel. Thank God for the art of parody, I'm talking to you Ben Stiller.

• A judge has granted a temporary restraining order barring Jennifer Lopez's ex, Ojani Noa, from distributing a sex tape starring his former wife/benefactor. The order is only in effect for a day and another hearing is scheduled for today, so J. Lo's sex-filled 1997 honeymoon may still see the light of day yet. [TMZ, Reuters]
• Malaysian party boy (and clubland savior) Jho Low celebrated his 28th birthday last week at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas with "bikini-clad party girls and surrounded by caged lions and tigers." Later, he partied with Paris Hilton, Usher, and Jamie Foxx, who reportedly "gifted the birthday boy" with a red sports car for some reason. Apparently, Low is often mistaken for photographer Chance Yeh, so make sure you don't get these two mixed up. A tip: Low is one buying 120 bottles of Cristal. [P6]
• Robert "Joe" Halderman, the guy accused of trying to extort David Letterman, appears in court today and his lawyer is expected to ask the judge to dismiss some of the charges against him. How long he'll be able to afford a lawyer is unclear. He's raised $100,000 for his legal defense fund, but he was also suspended without pay by CBS recently, too. [NYP, MSNBC]
• Madonna wants to clear a few things up: Yes, she's going to Brazil, but no, it's not to meet Jesus Luz's mom. She's going "strictly for fundraising and humanitarian purposes," thank you very much. [P6]

Page Six today has a not-very-thinly-veiled item about Anderson Cooper going on a very gay vacation with his very gay boyfriend who owns a very gay bar. Enough: Anderson Cooper is very gay. It's time he said it.

The Irish bookmaker Paddy Power is taking bets on which celebrity will be the next to turn their backs on L. Ron Hubbard. John Travolta leads the pack at 9:4 odds, and Tom Cruise is at 50:1. Place your markers.

The haughty, stubbornly secular, French have convicted the Church of Scientology of fraud. Just for pressuring two women to pay tens of thousands of dollars for spurious Scientological products and services! Victimization of religion says this oily spokesman.

When it rains, it pours on the Church of Scientology. First, spokescreature Tommy Davis publicly flamed out on his prime time interview. Now, Oscar-winning Crash director Paul Haggis' public resignation from Scientology has leaked. And it's incredibly damning to them.

• Madonna is taking a quick trip over to Malawi this weekend "to lay the foundation stone" at the new "multi-million dollar girls school she's building." That's funny. We could swear we heard about another celebrity doing almost exact same thing not too long ago. Oh, yes, her! Hopefully this time around there's a little less controversy. And let's also hope Malawian schoolchildren are ready to study Kabbalah from dawn till dusk. [Reuters]
• In related news, Madonna's ex, Alex Rodriguez, now appears to be taking an interest in Buddhism thanks to girlfriend Kate Hudson. Or at least he's pretending to be interested in it to make her happy. You decide! [NYDN]
• Ashlee Simpson-Wentz—sister of Jessica, wife of Pete, and the character Violet on The CW's Melrose Place—is now unemployed. Melrose's producers are taking a "It's not you, it's me" approach and saying the decision to cut her out of the show had nothing to do with the fact she can't act, but was because that had been their plan for the character from the beginning. [EW, People]

• Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler went to Soho House on a date on Tuesday night. Then again, the duo had to be "chaperoned" by friends including Simpson's BFF/hair stylist Ken Paves, which hardly sounds very romantic, does it? [P6]
• It may be over for the most famous lesbian couple in America, Rosie O'Donnell and Kelli Carpenter. Rosie acknowledges the two are having "issues" and says they're trying to work things out. But Carpenter may have already moved out of the home they share in Nyack, which probably isn't a good sign. [People]
• Jill Zarin has no manners. When the "Real Housewife" appeared at the opening of "Memphis" on Broadway the other night, she arrived 30 minutes late and with an entourage in tow and disrupted audience members when they moved into their seats. Then she blabbed for 15 minutes during the show. [P6]

Mitch Winehouse thinks Amy's rack was worth the rumored $56,000 cost of silicone. Salman Rushdie scores another PYT. Obama Girl is mauled by a light fixture at that one ubiquitous press junket in Jamaica. Welcome to Thursday's gossip!

It was a big weekend for Gerard Butler. His movie Law Abiding Citizen opened at number two and he hosted Saturday Night Live. Too bad both of them sucked. And now he's on notice.

• Madonna reveals all sorts of juicy, personal stuff in an interview in the November issue of Rolling Stone. Like how she really wanted to work with Eminem, but he turned her down (ouch); how her graffiti tag name back in the '80s was "Boy Toy" (how ironic!); and how she was a total geek in high school, just like every other celeb in the universe. [P6, NYDN]
• Penelope Cruz is making a cameo in the Sex & the City sequel. Get ready to suspend belief: She'll be playing the role of a banker. [People]
• Emanuel Ungaro "creative consultant" Lindsay Lohan is blaming the epic disaster that was her recent fashion show in Paris on "coming in so late and having not that much time to do a whole collection." She also says she's still "learning" and that the negative press isn't going to stop her from returning to Paris in a few months to give it another shot. You go, girl! [People]
• Because he's a romantic at heart, Alex Rodriguez flew to Miami for a single night to take Kate Hudson to dinner. Oh, yea, and to see his kids, too. [P6]

Lindsay Lohan tries to explain her adventures in fashion. Britney Spears receives a dubious award. Joe Francis has no backbone. And we feel bad for Leona Lewis. Yes, it's your Thursday morning gossip roundup. It's it's chock full of nuts!

If you expect the results of that headline to be anything but spectacular, stop reading, click past the jump now. Anna Paquin's doggy ring, Khloe Kardashian, Neve Campbell, Snoop Dogg, BBC sitcoms. Presenting your ridiculous Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• Bethenny Frankel isn't going to be happy about this one bit, but her Real Housewives of New York City co-star, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, is going to appear semi-nude in the December issue of Playboy. The 40-year-old reality TV star won't have to worry about competing with the women almost half her age who normally grace the magazine's pages: The photos were reportedly taken by her ex-husband, photographer Gilles Bensimon, "several years ago." [In Touch, P6]
• Jennifer Aniston was reportedly in tears over a scene for her flick The Bounty because it reminded her of Brad Pitt. The actress supposedly pulled it together to shoot her lines, but the source said, "privately she is still very fragile." Her rep denies it ever happened. But if it did happen, Jen probably needs a better therapist. [P6]
• Topper Mortimer and his girlfriend, Vogue editor Valerie Boster hit the New Yorkers for Children Fall Gala on Tuesday night... as did Topper's ex, Tinsley. Val was reportedly "not happy," but luckily, they all weren't seated together so there was no WASP throwdown. [P6]

John Travolta testifies about the day his son died. Carrie Prejean enjoys playing dress-up. Jude Law has another kid. And you'll never again have to endure Lily Allen's music. All that and much more in your Thursday morning gossip roundup...

• Friends worry Jessica Simpson is "at the lowest point of her life" now that she's lost her beloved dog, Daisy. Others say she's coping "better than her friends may realize." Either way, we she's probably feeling much better now that her friends are sharing her innermost feelings with the tabloids. [People]
• The man suspected of breaking into Lindsay Lohan's house wasn't a complete stranger: The two reportedly hung out on the set of her film Labor Pains last year. The girl's not the best judge of character, as you've probably realized by now. [TMZ]
• The drugs that were prescribed to Anna Nicole Smith amounted to "pharmaceutical suicide," according to newly unsealed court documents that were obtained by the LA Times. Most disturbing: The documents also reveal that both of Anna Nicole's doctors "transgressed professional boundaries by having sexual contact with their famous patient." [LAT]
• Michelle Obama gave Barack the silent treatment at points during his campaign for president because she was pissed about all the women throwing themselves at him, according to a new book. There was even a hot young campaign aide who was mysteriously "relocated" after developing a close relationship with the President. [NYDN, P6]
• Did you catch President Obama's appearance on Letterman last night? [MTV]

Will Jessica Simpson survive her dog's death? Did Anna Wintour survive sitting next to Pixie Geldof? Did Lindsay know her burglar? Did Anna Nicole's doctors know pills would kill her? Get some answers in your Tuesday morning gossip roundup!

• 30 Rock and Mad Men took home Emmys last night for outstanding comedy series and outstanding drama series, respectively. (Surprise, surprise.) Alec Baldwin won for outstanding actor in a comedy series; Breaking Bad's Bryan Cranston won for outstanding actor in a drama series; Glenn Close won for best actress in a drama series for Damages; and The United States of Tara's Toni Collette took home the award for best actress in a comedy series. Other winners included Lost's Michael Emerson, 24's Cherry Jones, Grey Gardens' Jessica Lange, Pushing Daisies' Kristin Chenoweth, and Two and a Half Men's Jon Cryer. The catchphrase of the night was "pulling a Kanye," naturally. [People, Us]
• Mischa Barton just isn't a morning person... or perhaps she's having dental issues again. A source from her CW show, The Beautiful Life, says she's often so out of it in the mornings that she holds up filming, and she'll stare into her coffee for minutes on end, mumbling, "Who will fix my coffee? I need someone to fix my coffee." [P6]
• Courtney Love lost it when a bathroom intruder caught her with her pants down at the T magazine party at the Standard the other night. Love supposedly screamed that the man had attacked her and tried to have him ejected. "I never wanted to see Courtney Love on the toilet," says the unlucky guy. "It wasn't a pretty sight. I just wanted to get out of there." [P6]

• Poor Mischa Barton hasn't been having much fun since she arrived in NYC a few weeks ago. She says she's been "ordered to stay away from booze, boys and bad behavior following her brief hospitalization this summer." She's been allowed one vice, though: "All I can do is smoke cigarettes," she says. [P6]
• Chace Crawford and Bar Refaeli were spotted getting cozy on Friday night at 1Oak. [NYDN]
• Ashley Dupre has a new single out. She also tells the Post in an "exclusive interview and fashion shoot" that she wants to get married, have "at least two children," and be happy forever after. [NYP]
• As you've undoubtedly seen/heard by now, Kanye West stormed the stage at the MTV Video Music Awards to interrupt Taylor Swift as she was accepting her award for Best Female Video. [NYDN, People, NYP]

RobPatz and Frowny Face ain't going nowhere. Jude Law kept his dick to himself for a night. John Travolta would rather not do your movie publicity. VH1's toning it down. Britney Spears: casting villain. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup: