Today this guy I know ruminated about why white bloggers employ so many goddarn exclamation points. I didn't really read it because I have ADD and assume everyone else does too so when I do actually bother employing punctuation at all it is usually for the purpose of impressing upon everyone the total urgency of whatever it was I just wrote and what better way to achieve that than an exclamation point!? (Or four!!!!!!) But hey wait, I actually know where I picked up this silly habit — another white blogger! Back from before they called them blogs, tho. There was this ZOMG-tacular writer Andy Serwer who wrote a daily stock market column on the Fortune website called "Street Life." It made no sense!!!! Except to me. (The synthetic constant proportion portfolio insurance of online commentary!) So you can blame that guy for everything, including the credit crisis! Anyway it's in Andy's honor (he still writes a blog, but it's no longer crazy because he is on teevee now) that I wrote the evening's Panic Roundup in the Steez De Serwer. (Shall I call it "Manic Panic"?)Okay, so, today's Times byline orgy re-enactment of that coupla days a coupla weeks ago where suddenly every banker was like "OHSHTWRSCRWD" achieved two important things: 1. Reminded "Main Street" (Aside: irk you as much as it does yours true that the pols keep calling it "Main Street" when the whole reason this started is because there's NO SUCH THING anymore in this country?? Because everyone had to have his own house, recall?? Anyhoo) that, you know, every business in this freakin country operates on debt, not because they're spoiled delusional children like every last CEO on the Street except John Thain (which reminds me, Johnny Boy is staying on with the new Bank of AMerillca! See, you KNEW he wasn't in it for the nine figure pay package, aw…) but because DUH, because that's like the basis of all civilization or something!! And 2. Reminded Wall Street Just How Crazy it is with a creepy/inspiring (which? both?) anecdote about Black Thursday over at Goldisachs. Lloyd was freaking out, Goldman stock in freefall, etc. etc.…and then one o'clock rolls around and someone they identify as a "prankster" starts playing the "Star-Spangled Banner" over the loudspeaker. All the bankers are like, what?! Some even put their hands over their hearts. And at THAT VERY MOMENT, the stock stopped falling. Turned up a little even! Guess what had happened? That's right, a short-selling ban had just been announced!! Capitalism itself had been suspended! Think that means there's something Goldman guys find inspiring about this country… other than its free market?? Yeah probably not, but I thought about shedding a tear! Okay so moving on, the big story is…well shucks, got a few hours? No of course not! We're all about to hit me baby one more time with another public appearance by everyone's fave fakenbaked ratings black gold governess!!! (Broad is like Merrill with the CDOs after even AIG stopped insuring them, we know she's bad for us, but we just can't stop.) So I'll make it quick: everyone, except maybe Buffett and John not to be confused with Hank Paulson, is screwed: every other hedge fund is screwed, Veronica Peterson of Columbia, Maryland, who is trying to pay a $4,450-a-month mortgage on fifty grand a year — hey, why not have a go at that, quant jocks? — is screweder, the market that is being artificially propped up by the continued short sale ban managed to fall 350 points today anyway, not that anyone is paying attention to the market because the entire private sector is too busy wondering where the heck they're supposed to find a line of credit when the entire financial system won't trust anyone but the guv-mint with its money anymore. Yikes! Oh, though if Veronica Peterson's story shook your faith in private enterprise, here's a doozy from the public sector: there's a special provision in the new bailout bill offering (SORELY-needed) tax relief to the makers of wooden arrows used in bow-n-arrow sets for children. Think you could poke someone's life out with one of them things? Anyway, if I were really Serwer this is where I would actually round up a few MORE asides and tangents here and call them "Loose Change," but in the Web 2.0 era that gets to be your job! Although if Dismal Science wants offer himself for the position of Serwer's old standby source "Deep Blue" (sug. nickname change: "Deep Shit") he knows who to G-chat!

♦ Now comes the hard part. After winning the vote in the Senate last night, the bailout bill will head to the House for a Friday vote. [NYT, WSJ]
♦ John Thain will be staying put at Bank of America, contrary to initial rumors. He'll become the combined company's president of global banking, securities and wealth management. Who wants to hunt for a job in this economy? [MW]
♦ "Warren Buffett has become the new triple-A credit rating system." [NYT]
♦ Dick Fuld's last day in his corner office may come tomorrow. [WSJ]
♦ First-time applications for unemployment benefits rose to the highest level in seven years. [Bloomberg]

♦ Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs have won approval to become bank holding companies, which will give them greater access to federal funds and also put them under tighter oversight and regulation. [WSJ, NYP]
♦ After suspending talks with Wachovia over the weekend, Morgan Stanley announced this morning that it is selling a 10-20 percent stake to Japan's largest bank, Mitsubishi UFJ. [WSJ, Bloomberg]
♦ The proposed $700 billion bailout package turned into a political football this weekend. [WSJ, NYT]
♦ Nomura will pay $225 million for Lehman's Asian operations. [WSJ]
♦ After last week's wild ride, everyone is bracing for another eventful week on Wall Street. [NYT]

I cannot say I expected a blog best beloved for its breathless Gossip Girl recaps* would be the blog whose archives I spent the most time raiding to read up on the collapse of capitalism. But this crisis has been full of surprises and one of them is that reading New York magazine's Daily Intel blog could have saved investors a shit ton of money, because they have been paying superclose attention to the saga of America's Crapital Structure and they take very good notes. They reeled me into their archived coverage of what they call the "White Men With Money" beat when they ingeniously dubbed Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein the "Lila Fowler of Wall Street" after the moneyed alpha girl of the Sweet Valley High series. It wasn't a connection I'd think to make, but maybe that's because I'm not as savvy at parsing rumors…1. For instance, they totally rejected the worthless albeit true rumor about Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain's bad toupee and embraced the ex Goldman banker wholeheartedly. He looked like Clark Kent, therefore he would save his company with magical superpowers and common decency and it was really as simple as that. 2. Conversely, they did not like Lehman Brothers CEO Dick Fuld. Did not trust his eyebrows. And seized an early opportunity in June to lambaste him for being a style nazi. He was superficial! And people like that are always way too concerned about what other people think, and they overlook what's inside. Korean Development Bank was no more likely to save him from his deluded sense of reality than Elizabeth Wakefield was Bruce Patman. 3. Early into their shift steering the John Thain love train, they hired a prominent astrologer to see what was in his stars for the year. Just to make sure their instincts were correct. WERE THEY EVER.

Ha ha ha just months ago the stupid business press were writing glowing cover stories of Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain like he was John McCain in 2000 and now look his company doesn't exist anymore! Yes we've received those tips. "Aside from its obvious troubles-afflicting all the largest financial institutions," Forbes wrote, "Merrill is in damn good shape." Interesting word choice, media! Distracted by a certain someone's athletic physique?Oh but wait, everyone still hearts John Thain. He was not a giant arrogant prick, managed to understand all those complex securities without being autistic, and he looks go good next to that other guy! By which I mean Lehman CEO Dick Fuld, but also Thain's his predecessor at Merrill, and his predecessor before that from the New York Stock Exchange, and pretty much any other asshole by whom you could be being laid off right now. From today's Journal:

• Yesterday's 504-point drop was the worst day for the Dow since 2001. [NYT, WSJ]

• After frantic takeover talks with Bank of America and Barclays ended over the weekend—and after the U.S. government declined to provide a bailout—Lehman Brothers was forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection this morning, marking an end to the 158-year-old firm. [Bloomberg, NYT, WSJ]

• Temasek, Singapore's sovereign wealth fund, has "great confidence" in Merrill CEO John Thain. [Bloomberg]

The Obama and McCain campaigns have released lists of their biggest bundlers, the 98 people who have helped raise more than $500,000 for the two presidential candidates so far. There are nearly 20 residents of the tristate region on the list, although McCain has a significant local advantage—12 people versus Obama's four. See the names and details for yourself after the jump.

• Merrill CEO John Thain is responding to critics and disputing "notions that he misled investors about his intentions to raise capital." [NYT]
  

• The U.S. unemployment rate jumped to a four-year high of 5.7% during the month of July. [WSJ]

• Merrill Lynch has announced it will take another write-down of $5.7 billion and raise an additional $8.5 billion in new common stock. The bank has announced more than $45 billion in write-downs over the past year. [NYT]

John Thain is about to free up a bit more capital for beleaguered Merrill Lynch: According to the Times, Merrill will sell its stake in Bloomberg L.P. "for about $4.5 billion, people briefed on the matter said Wednesday afternoon." [NYT]

• As expected, Lehman announced it will pay more of employees' compensation in stock this year; the bank also granted a mid-year equity bonus on July 1st. [Reuters]

• An upgrade from Morgan Stanley is expected to help out Lehman's stock price, which fell 11 percent yesterday amid talk of a firesale. [Reuters]

In case you weren't invited to their parties over the long weekend, feel free to extend your belated birthday wishes today to Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain (52), socialite Annie Churchill (37), architect Bruce Fowle (71), who all celebrated birthdays yesterday. Turning a year older today: fashion designer Behnaz Sarafpour, who is turning 39, and Henry Kissinger, who will be blowing out 85 candles this evening.

The former president of Goldman Sachs and the CEO of the New York Stock Exchange, Thain was named chairman and CEO of Merrill Lynch in December 2007. He departed the firm amid controversy in January 2009, just after Bank of America acquired the firm for $50 billion. After the fallout from Merrill Lynch, he became the CEO of CIT Group in 2010.