Earlier this year, supporters of labor mural-hating, child labor-loving Maine governor Paul LePage honored him by having an "Open for Business" sign installed along a highway in Kittery, on the Pine Tree state's southern border. Almost overnight, all the world's corporations except Groupon moved to Maine. But just before Memorial Day, somebody stole the sign—ruining prosperity and the holiday weekend for everyone.

The most saccharine couple ever to grace a celebrity glossy breaks up. Palm Desert police say Lindsay Lohan violated her probation. Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp are dating. Kelli Pickler is married. Wednesday gossip is a Taylor Swift break-up ballad.

• Tiger Woods released a statement this morning: "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. [TMZ]
• One thing that may have pushed Tiger to finally issue the apology: While Rachel Uchitel didn't want to cop to hooking up with Woods, two other women turned up to take her place yesterday. A 24-year-old waitress named Jaimee Grubbs appeared with tawdry text messages from Woods to back up her story. (Sample: "I will wear you out!") And a Vegas club manager came out to say she's been having an affair with him "for some time." [Us, NYP, NYDN]
• Tiger won't face criminal charges for crashing his SUV outside his Florida home. He's getting a traffic ticket and may pay a $164 fine. [Us]
• Bill Clinton is pumped his daughter Chelsea is marrying investment banker Marc Mezvinsky because, Bill says, Marc is a "great human being." Not only that, but when Hillary is traveling, Chelsea and Marc take pity on poor old Bill and take him to dinner and the movies. [People]
• Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich just bought a $90 million estate in St. Barts and now everyone is expecting him to throw the "It" Christmas party of the year. No word on whether the Salahis were invited. Not that the lack of an invite will stop them from attending anyway, of course. [P6]

Joy Behar, the View fixture and host of her own show on HLN as of last week, is turning 67. Former Merrill Lynch CEO Stan O'Neal turns 58. American Idol judge Simon Cowell is 50. American Idol winner Taylor Hicks is 33. John Mellencamp is turning 58. Toni Braxton turns 41. Rachel McAdams is 33. Nation editor-in-chief Katrina Vanden Heuvel is celebrating her 50th. Famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma is 54. Russia's most powerful man, Vladimir Putin, is 57. Sex columnist Dan Savage is turning 45. Tico Torres of Bon Jov turns 56. Nobel Prize-winning activist and cleric Desmond Tutu is 78. And Oliver "Ollie" North turns 66 today.

The View's Joy Behar turns 66 today. Maybe she and her fellow co-hosts will take a break from bickering for long enough to eat some cake. Others celebrating: American Idol's Simon Cowell is 49. Taylor Hicks is 32. Toni Braxton is turning 40. John Mellencamp is 57. Rachel McAdams is turning 32. Cellist Yo-Yo Ma is 53. Vladimir Putin is 56. South African icon Desmond Tutu is 77. And Nation editor Katrina Vanden Heuvel is 49.

Well, the o.g. Fake Writer seems to have learned his lesson about lifting whole sentences verbatim. But the latest novel excerpt up on Big Jim's website (by the way, he's lying about the 'Big,' too, obviously) certainly owes a debt to Farm Aiding singer/songwriter/actor John Cougar Mellencamp. See for yourself: