Goldie Hawn tells an awkward story about her daughter's birth. Beyonce might be pregnant. Jean-Claude Van Damme has a heart attack. J.Lo's babies are Gucci models. Wednesday gossip is a photo album of embarrassing baby pictures.

Taylor Swift writes an angry song about an older man named John. Anne Hathaway "cried everyday" filming sex scenes with Jake Gyllenhaal. Christina Aguilera's inevitable lesbian divorce rumors arrive. Tuesday gossip sings for its supper.

Multiple penis pictures hit the market—will we see West's wang? Katy Perry plans a monochromatic wedding. David Arquette wishes he didn't talk shit about his estranged wife's sex life. Thursday gossip has 20/20 hindsight and bionic penis-vision.

John Mayer has quit Twitter. Repeat: @JohnCMayer has qwittered. This startling development comes three days after Mayer tweeted a photo entitled "Self Portrait of The Artist Three Days Before His Metaphoric Retirement." Here are his last tweets, preserved for posterity.

Taylor Swift will break her year-long song silence about Kanye West tonight. 50 cent tweeted some homophobic stuff. John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston: Spotted together! Sunday's Gossip Roundup was invited to many Fashion Week parties but chose not to go.

Kim Kardashian's search for an Emmys dress frustrates. Lindsay Lohan drives a Maserati after midnight. Taylor Swift frolics with a possible boyfriend. Heidi Montag worries about her face falling off. TGIFriday gossip.

The story: This morning the HuffPo speculates that lover, crooner, fighter John Mayer might be getting back with Jennifer Aniston, based on things said at a concert. Mayer then responds, says everything's out of context, and invents exciting new phrases.

Welcome to Monday's gossip roundup, in which we gather every horrifying new detail about Speidi's sex tape (blackmail! ultimatums!) and how it inspires Snooki's ex. Meanwhile, Brad Pitt wants to murder BP executives and LiLo's lawyer heads back to court.

Quick: What's the best way for a politician to broadcast short, nearly-incomprehensible missives to the world? No, it's not by hacking into Wolf Blitzer's teleprompter before The Situation Room. Twitter! Here are the seven scientifically-determined "Twitter geniuses" of the Senate.

[Sex maniac John Mayer performs on the Today Show today. Image: Splash]

Today at Gawker.TV, John Mayer reflects about his past over-sharing during interviews, we discover Bender's origin on Futurama, Bethenny Frankel goes into labor, Enrique Iglesias and George Lopez get close, and more words of wisdom from the Double Rainbow Guy.

This morning on The Today Show, everyone's favorite guitar-slinging apologist and "sexual napalm" enthusiast John Mayer got a teensy bit humble when he told Matt that he's finally learned a lesson from all of his overshare filled, douche-tastic interviews.

[John Mayer gets himself into a comparative Situation backstage at the CMT Music Awards. Image via Getty.]

They liked to do it with Larry's show on in the background. Sandra Bullock stands at the precipice of divorce. Tiger Woods "parties like a rockstar" at a Nickelback concert. Wednesday's gossip roundup keeps it in the family.

With a tap of Zooey Deschanel's tambourine and a flash of Eli-Peaches PDA, begins Coachella, the California music festival where, every year, starlets muss up their hair and don frayed denim with the hope of landing an indie rock boyfriend.

[A man with a 'David Duke cock' sidles up to an unknown woman during the Coachella music festival. Image via Splash.]

An "intuitive psychic" healer named Aiden is her new manager. James Brown's body goes missing from its crypt. Socialite shocked to discover racism, anti-semitism, homophobia make you unpopular. Corey Haim died of a too-big heart. Friday gossip is so alone.

With her latest stab at relevancy—a new single and a VH1 show—Jessica Simpson is yet again being shoved down our collective gullet. It's time for this uninteresting, talentless person to take a hike. Forever!

Weir explains his creative process. Jessica Simpson cries on Oprah's couch. John Mayer can't get a date. Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson grope each other in public. Johnny Depp fears mirrors. Tuesday gossip is the window to celebrity souls.

On Friday evening, John Mayer publicly apologized to a gathered "at capacity" audience for the recent kerfuffle over his Playboy interview. We would like to now take this time to finally extend a formal employment offer for Mr. Mayer.