Front page shocker in today's New York Times: William Shakespeare was a homosexual. Grizzled former war correspondent John F. Burns has unearthed the bombshell in the form of a very gay-looking portrait.

Don't get us wrong. We know Times Baghdad bureau chief John Burns is a swashbuckling foreign correspondent; we admire his reporting and we're humbled by his willingness to spend so many years in such a horrible and dangerous place. (Our most taxing reportorial excursion is typically to Michael's — which, to be honest, is a long and expensive trip that inevitably leaves us running for our lives.) But we really wish they'd get the guy a new headshot — and perhaps a trim, or at least a comb, beforehand. Because the guy in the current picture? He's been wandering Central Park all night, he knows — really knows — that the end of the world is coming — and could you maybe spare some change?