Remember four years ago when something happened to photogenic millionaire Taylor Swift while she was accepting a fake award at a ceremony held by a channel that exists to market cell phones to teenagers? Taylor Swift remembers too. It's the first thing she thinks about when she rolls out of bed and the last thing she pictures before she falls asleep. Her life is an endless carousel of misery, circling 'round and 'round that single moment. Every day she wakes up and discovers it is September 14, 2009; every day is the day after Kanye West's bizarre outburst ensured that the 2009 VMAs would forever be remembered as one of Taylor Swift's Top Four Worst VMAs Ever.

Kim Kardashian debuted her first foray into music—a feat of autotuning called "Jam"—on Ryan Seacrest's radio show today. "Turn me up, Turn me up, Turn me, Turn me, Turn me up," she bleats thinly. Kim is either trapped at a club with very quiet DJ (The same club where Ke$ha and J.Lo are always begging, "Turn it up." Maybe the deejays are quiet because they only have access to shitty songs?) or she is asking us to turn up the faucet from which all things Kim Kardashian pour, because this song is a celebration of the art of earning your keep with half-hearted product endorsements and paid appearances: