You may have noticed that our widely feared commenter executioner, Jack Ketch, has been absent for the past few weeks. We're not exactly sure what is going on with him—maybe he's overwhelmed by the position (there are so many of you now!)—but he'd like to come back and roll a few heads today. Because he's been absent for the past month or so, he needs your help. Who really irks you? Who is needlessly contrary and unhelpful? Who is hideously self-promoting? You can tell us in the comments below or, if you prefer the coward's way out (I'd totes take this option), you can send a private email right to Mr. Ketch! So have at it, and we'll kill some fools later on today.

From our official Commenter Executioner, Jack Ketch: See the title? Get it? Because it's Friday the 13th and now you are dead! I was going to start this post with a history of Friday the 13th, why it's considered unlucky, and what a typical English Friday the 13th consisted of in my time. But then I realized I don't know anything about this day, and have been living here in the future for so long that I'm basically a lazy, ignorant, and slovenly American by this point. I can't even be bothered to write my posts in old timey English. I'll probably have to execute myself soon. So, it's Friday the 13th, which is bad if bad things happen to you today. Look both ways before crossing the street, don't stand near out of order elevator shafts, and make sure to wear your hat really low if you go wilding. They have cameras everywhere now. Fucking cameras. Let us jump, and please be careful not to slip, to the fun part.

In my time, we had famous, celebrat'd men known as playwrights. Today, these savants are known as "baristas," or "homeless people." The most famous of all, Sir William Shakespeare, in an early draft of one of his most famous sonnets, wrote: "All the world's a stage, and it's time for some of you to get the fuck off." Appropriate, methinks. Past yonder jump hang this week's condemned.

Some of you may have seen some recent comments by Jack Ketch, who speaks in olden tongue and scolds you for scurrilous commentary. Starting today, Mr. Ketch will be acting as our official executioner, much like the real Jack Ketch of old. As we laud five commenters every week in the Commies, he will dispatch five troublesome typers every Friday. Everyone has a reprieve this week, but be on your toes! Jack will be lurking in the comments, giving you warnings of possible doom. Then, next Friday, five heads will roll.