Far be it from Gawker.com to claim to be the finest financial blog “in the markets,” but we can tell you this: your special “high flying” “IPO” stocks are getting clobbered!!!

In 2008, the global economy collapsed. But ever since bottoming out in 2009, we’ve been on a gangbusters recovery. Is it all going to come to an end soon? See for yourself.

Fitness measurement gadget maker Fitbit has surged a full 50% in its stock market debut today, meaning Fitbit is now a $6 billion company that, ideally, would not exist.

Vice Media, a company that sells cool kids to corporations for marketing purposes and does good journalism on the side, is a legitimately profitable business. Makes a lot of cash. But is Vice really worth one jillion skillion bazillion dollars? Hmm...

Whine-aggregating service Yelp went public today, and is currently trading at $24.60 a share, which values the company at around $1.43 billion, according to Reuters. If this IPO were a Yelp listing, there would be a bunch of reviews like: "Not a bad IPO when you're drunk at night and nothing else is open, but WAY WAY WAY over-priced for what you get."

Has Facebook's $5 billion IPO gone to Mark Zuckerberg's head? In new propaganda, the Facebook CEO claims Facebook will spur a populist transformation in governments around the world—an idea he called "arrogant" less than a year ago.

If then-President of Facebook Sean Parker had come to you in 2005, asked you to paint his new offices with a bunch of cocks, and then offered to pay you in either a few thousand dollars in cold hard cash or just the equivalent in company stock, you would probably have gone for the cash, right? Particularly if the company seemed on the whole sort of "pointless" to you, as it did to so many of us around then even though we were already becoming addicted to it? Fortunately for the painter, wild child graffiti artist David Choe, he picked the stock, which the New York Times points out is now about to be worth $200 million:

Facebook just released its first-ever official financial numbers as part of its filing to go public, and they're very impressive. One billion dollars in annual profit impressive. Also: Much of humankind is hopelessly addicted to Facebook.

Facebook will file to go public tomorrow, in case you missed the rolling thunder bombardment of news articles this week, or in the months preceding. There won't be the faintest reason for the average person to care about this IPO until shares actually start selling months from now, but in the meantime you should steel yourself for endless breathless hype pandemonium. Oh, it's going to be awful.

A well-placed mole has forwarded us the Silicon Valley equivalent of hard-core pornography: an explicit look at Facebook's finances. They're even more staggering than we expected. A gusher of profits has left the social network with a cash hoard to rival established companies like 3M, eBay and Yahoo.

The tech bubble is burst, but Facebook is moving to quickly revive it: The social network is planning to go public as soon as April at a valuation of more than $100 billion.

There was a flurry of interest in Groupon's stock just before the IPO, driving up the price a bit. But Wall Street's crush on the online discounter was short-lived: Its stock plummeted today, for the second time in a month. Maybe reason will actually prevail in tech investing, just this once.

Yelp, the hive of entitled creeps, "elite" monsters and extortionate salesmen, filed to IPO at up to $2 billion valuation, four times what Google once offered. If people keep occupying Wall Street forever, maybe this unprofitable company/monster will just die.

Two senators introduced legislation to help Facebook further evade a 47-year-old SEC disclosure rule and take on a slew of new investors. Because that's the problem in America lately, you see: Corporations are too well regulated, and we know too much about the inner workings of large, heavily capitalized institutions.

Groupon goes public tomorrow, and the financially frightful coupon startup should be a stock market hit: With about 10 times more prospective buyer than shares, the stock priced today at $20, up from an expected $16 - $18. So it looks like the tech bubble, inflated heretofore by private investment deals, is going public. How exciting.

What a basketcase: Groupon has slashed its proposed valuation to $12 billion from $30 billion as it ramps up for an initial public offering. So if you're in the market for a technically insolvent online discounter with shady accounting, now is the time to buy! Goldman Sachs is involved, so you just know it's a good deal.

Investors are willing to gamble less and less on Groupon's imaginary future profits, various fund managers told Bloomberg, thanks to the near constant reminders about just how imaginary those profits are. One fund manager thinks the online coupon startup has seen its value fall to as low as $3 billion from $25 billion.

After making noise during its federally mandated quiet period and after taking heat for a farcical accounting metric, Groupon might still be able to IPO next month. The online discounter's CEO just has to prove to the feds that he's not a liar.

Facebook's profits are on track to reach nearly $1 billion this year, Reuters reports, as revenue doubles. Selling your private moments to advertisers has never been more lucrative.

Surprise: Wildly unprofitable money pit Groupon canceled its investor roadshow and withdrew its IPO schedule, says the Wall Street Journal. Also, there's a new SEC inquiry into the company. But everything will be back on track just as soon as the tech bubble returns, honest!