A Virginia tenth grader says he attacked and killed his parents because they were acting too parental, "taking away [his] iPod and stuff."

All of this arrived Tuesday in a box so big I thought maybe someone was sending me a suffocated animal. I asked my boss John Cook if I could keep it and he said, "Do you even want it?" An iPod and a bottle of Moët? Yes, that is an instant Friday/living Mariah Carey song. Whatever. I was going to watch Soderberg's Liberace biopic, Behind the Candelabra, anyway (I wanna see Michael Douglas and Matt Damon fuck!). Now I'm gonna watch it in class, like Liberace would if he were alive today and used headphones for the sound on his TV. Anyway, this is the sort of shameless shit that networks do to try to buy positive coverage. We'll see if it works.

House Republicans have declared victory in the historic battle for Electronic Freedom! They've changed the rules to allow members to use electronic devices in the House chamber — as long as it doesn't "impair decorum," which it probably will.

Everyone knows that audio quality has gone down the tubes since people stopped listening to vinyl records. Fans are hating the metal band's new album, reports the WSJ. They're "complaining that 'Death Magnetic' has a thin, brittle sound that's the result of the band's attempts in the studio to make it as loud as possible." See, everyone's trying to make their music sound louder so that it sounds better on iPods. The result is that details get erased and it all sounds like crap.

If you want to grab the public's attention in this crowded luxury real estate market, you can't just name your new development something bland like "New Condos in Chelsea." Better to call it "Tempo." It evokes movement—movement right into your new development, ha! Marketing people get paid to come up with these names, really. And how best to communicate the power of music and rhythm, the primeval sense of melody that you want to inextricably link to your building's brand? Find a way to work an iPod (or a knockoff of one) into your logo! Because music is made of iPods. Here's how you attract the true connoisseurs:

When iPods first came out, you obviously had to replace the headphones so no one would think you were showing off that you had an iPod. But then everyone started doing that, so you went back to the white headphones to prove that you couldn't give a fuck if people knew what kind of mp3 player you had. Plus, you weren't going to get caught in the consumer cycle of buying unnecessary goods to validate your uniqueness. But now people are starting to catch on to that, so the only way out is to buy this new colossal mp3 player for $21.99. With 256 mb and a stunning quartz crystal display, it says, "I care about the music, not my image." [via The Triumph of Bullshit]

Your iPod will lead to your own bloody death, according to this ad campaign for the Ontario Workplace Safety & Insurance Board. Fair warning. [via Adrants]

The New York Police Department is issuing video iPods to members of its Police Academy to help them study for final exams. Might we also suggest a brief course in how to tell the difference, at 50 yards, between a shiny 80GB MP3 player and a shiny 9mm Glock? Friendly fire is so much less friendly than it sounds. [WNBC]
Related: New York Politicians Blast Proposed Counterterrorism Cuts [WNYC]

The Times trots out that, duh, iPods are being utilized as an academic tool in some schools! The paper notes that Brearley School (disclosure, disclosure, I went there) has been using iPods for foreign language, music, English and drama classes for the last several years. Not a bad idea, merging cultural phenomena with scholastic curricula, and it sounds like an effective learning tool. Yay! Well, actually, we were disturbed a smidge by something. What kind of fee is Apple paying Brearley's head-of-school Stephanie Hull for her testimonials? Or is she just perversely testifying for free?

From a Times article on the asceticism of Manhattan's homeowning middle class: "Do I want an iPod or a house? Do I want a latte or a house?" [NYT]