Last week, I took cover when I spotted what turned out to be a feather fluttering down from a locker to my gym’s floor. At home, my eye caught a loose thread swaying on a cloth bag in one of my cabinets, and I flinched. A green pepper seed stuck to a FedEx envelope on my coffee table turned my stomach. I freaked out as a drop of water ran down my chest. I was cooking dinner the other night and I realized that I did not like the way that the flame on my one burner was dancing. I did not like it one bit.

The West Village's storied Magnolia Bakery was shuttered by the Health Department Thursday due to a mouse infestation. Spokespeople predicted the Bleecker Street shop would reopen today, but a call to the bakery has confirmed that it remains closed.

The one-time tourists are itching mad at the New York luxury hotel, claiming that they got bedbugs during their stay, took them home with them, then had to evacuate their house for six weeks. Hopefully they're suing for comped suites.

Forget bedbugs. Those are old news. The new news? The new, terrible news? Stink bugs. And that's a scientific name. Creatures that emit a foul odor when scared have been increasingly found in New York lately. We're moving.

The increasingly important festival is in scramble mode after a customer at the main venue for their 9/9-9/19 movie party complained about bedbug bites. How'd they get there? Well, the Degrassi kids were just in New York. Filthy teens.

If you've been feeling phantom itches lately, here's something to comfort you: If you don't live in Ohio, it's possible you don't have bedbugs. If you do live there, you're fucked. Three Ohio cities make the top ten infested list.

A report from the office of Gotham magazine, the Manhattan outpost of Jason Binn's rich-people-friendly Niche Media empire: