What's up today in India? "India, the land of Mohandas Gandhi, known for its Hindu belief in the sanctity of life, is anything but gun-shy. Rising incomes have made high-end weapons a new form of bling, and rising crime and memories of Mumbai's 2008 terrorist attack have left Indians eager to be armed and dangerous," The Los Angeles Times reports. There are still only 3 guns for every 100 people in India, compared to 89 for every 100 Americans, though. [LATimes, image of Indian gun factory via AP]

Barring a glossy Bollywood remake — which, honestly, could be kind of fun — India will not be releasing The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. According to The Hollywood Reporter, India's Central Board of Film Certification demanded some pretty big content cuts. To which David Fincher said, "No fucking way." (I doubt he used that language, but when rejecting censorship, it's always fun to throw in an extra swear.)

What horrible human outrages does this monstrous world of ours bring today? Video of a "human zoo" in India's Andaman Islands, featuring women from the Jarawa tribe, ordered to dance for tourists in exchange for food.

One hundred and forty three—can that possibly be right?—yes, one hundred and forty three people have died so far in one town in India from drinking a batch of bootleg liquor this week. Police say the liquor was spiked with methanol to "boost its kick." That has the side effect of killing you. The AP reports:

Yesterday we told you that India was considering allowing evil box of doom Wal-Mart to open retail outlets in its cities, thereby destroying them. But having read our foreboding listicle of warning, the government has reconsidered. Even Wal-Mart's opponents are outraged at how ineptly the issue has been handled, politically!

India has an opportunity that America has already lost: the opportunity to not have Wal-Marts everywhere. Politicians, business people, and labor advocates in India are currently battling over whether or not to allow Wal-Marts to build retail outlets in their cities.

FHM India's December issue features a cover pic of Pakistani actress and reality TV star Veena Malik in her birthday suit, leg and arms strategically placed to cover up her most special places. Malik claims she was digitally undressed—but is she trying to cover up the truth (cue suspenseful sound effect)?

After discovering himself during 10-hour sessions on the Rock of Ages dance floor, Tom Cruise has an announcement to make:

An angry snake charmer from India named Hakkal had his "99 percent" moment when bureaucrats at the Government Land Registry Office refused to process his land-request application. So Hakkal took matters into his own hands: He dumped three sacks full of 40 venomous snakes, including cobras, into the office. The scene was captured in the video above, and shows government workers shooing away the hissing snakes with fabric as the deadly reptiles slid onto chairs and desks. And miraculously — unlike the OWS protests — no one was bitten! [newsfeed.time.com via Telegraph]

It's time to depose our weakling President Obama and replace him with our new leaders, The Warriors of Goja. Judging from their performance on an Indian talent show they are invincible gods who will conquer the world, eventually.

As a patriotic American, I understand that it's necessary for our safety to frisk any and all brown people who attempt to travel on airplanes. Even so, I think we can probably assume that it was unnecessary to frisk the former President of India. Twice.

Today in the Indian state of Maharashtra, about 285 girls received certificates, little bouquets, and—most importantly—brand-new names that don't mean "unwanted." Because that's what their names were, until today: Unwanted. And you thought Florida was a terrible name for a girl!

A "strong quake" (possibly measuring 4.2 on the Richter scale) has been reported in the Indian capital city of New Delhi. This news comes on the same day as a terrorist bombing in the city killed eleven people. [Reuters]

Among the myriad things an American diplomat in a nation with a long history of colonialism and racial tension should avoid, characterizing the the locals' skin as "dirty," "dark," and like an unwashed caucasian is among the least advisable. And yet a consulate official in India made the ol' "you look dirty" joke during a visit to a Chennai school last week:

A leopard snuck into a a village in India yesterday and mauled 11 people before being killed. Looking at the terrifying pictures makes us feel pretty stupid for complaining about subway construction.

A judge ruled today that the Moghul Express restaurant in Edison, New Jersey, can be sued by a group of strictly vegetarian Hindus after the restaurant accidentally served them meat-filled samosas. It looks like the 16 afflicted non-meat eaters are going to get a free trip for their troubles.

The only thing standing between impoverished rural Indians and total physical collapse is the good will of international sugar-water conglomerate PepsiCo, which soon hopes to be making $30 billion a year by selling "good for you" products to people so desperate that they will turn to PepsiCo to find something good for them. "Good," in this context, means "not Pepsi cola." Please allow the WSJ to present tonight's specials at the Rural Indian PepsiCo Cafe:

Oh, the things they say about us in Indian call centers. About Americans, about Australians — it's terribly insulting stuff. It's also kinda true!

The Musalman is the world's oldest Urdu-language daily newspaper. It is also thought to be the world's last handwritten daily newspaper. Every day, four katibs—practitioners of the ancient art of Urdu calligraphy—write The Musalman's four broadsheet pages from right to left, by hand. Mistakes sometimes require rewriting the entire page. They then send it to a printer for reproduction, and sell it on the streets of Chennai, in the Indian state of Tamil Nadu. The 10-minute documentary above depicts the process.

American corporations have made untold millions by shipping all their call centers and tech support jobs out to India, where you can get nice, educated workers at a fraction of the cost. Or can you?