I am a dandy, always out to lunch, and, so, more mornings than not, getting dressed is the most difficult part of my day. I am incapable of leaving my residence until I've rendered a meticulous sartorial model of that day's polyphonous version of my internal landscape. I am rarely punctual. I will never be caught in sweatpants.

Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdoğan greets Mahmoud Abbas, the Palestinian president, at Erdoğan's new, $575 million palace in Ankara as 16 Turkish warriors dressed in historical armor stand guard. Photo via Associated Press.

A man looks at piled up cars in Varna, Bulgaria after heavy rain and flooding in the city killed at least 10 people and left several more missing. Photo via Associated Press.

Pakistani army troops ride in military vehicles after fighter jets attacked Taliban strongholds in North Waziristan, killing at least 27 militants. Several hours later, the insurgents fought back with a roadside bomb that killed at least six soldiers, according to the Pakistani army. [Photo via AP/Shakil Adil]

South Korean Coast Guard officers search for the 287 passengers who remain missing after a ferry sank off the coast of South Korea on Wednesday. Nine people, including five high school students, were confirmed dead, though that number is expected to rise drastically. Image via Ahn Young-joon/AP.

Last night's blood moon, as seen from Whittier, Ca. If you missed it, the next lunar eclipse will take place the night of October 8. Photo via Nick Ut/Associated Press.

Voters cast their ballots Wednesday during a parliamentary election in Indonesia. The outcome from the vote will determine the candidates for July's highly anticipated presidential election. Image via Dita Alangkara/AP.

Communist lawmakers fight with members of the right-wing Svoboda Party during a meeting of Verkhovna Rada, the Ukrainian parliament, on Tuesday. Image via Vladimir Strumkovsky/AP.

[Mikaela Shiffrin, of the United States, competes on her way to set the fastest time during the first run of an alpine ski, women's World Cup slalom in Flachau, Austria, on Tuesday. Image via Marco Trovati/AP.]

As a connoisseur of cultural detritus, you've probably seen this ad in which purported actor "Stephen Dorff," looking weary from days of dogged stubble-trimming, juts his chin repeatedly in your direction while explaining why he chooses to smoke Blu™ brand e-cigarettes, besides the fact that he is their paid spokesman. "Negative! One! I'm tired of being a walking ashtray," says "Stephen Dorff," no doubt bathed in Tom Ford cologne at that very moment.

You wouldn't wish Lolo Jones' problems on your worst enemy. She was an Olympic hurdler in 2008. She's one of the biggest track and field stars in America. Next month, at age 29, she'll be running to qualify for the Olympics again. Imagine the pressure (and the sweating!). On top of that, she has the sculpted body of a world class athlete, the tan of a god, and the beauty of a Hollywood star. Imagine the pressure. And now, in a new segment on HBO's "Real Sports," she's bravely opened up about her ongoing struggles to remain a virgin.

Huh, hmm, strange, inexplicable: although lots of people purchase food at McDonald's, it turns out that they don't think the food at McDonald's is very good. Buh, wha, guh, WTF? Explain, Ad Age:

Whole Foods, the grocery store for pretentious upper class urbanites and those who aspire to be same, wants to make it clear to the world that it is not a grocery store for pretentious upper class urbanites. Not at all. What gave you that idea?

Congresswoman and Republican presidential candidate/shoo-in Michele Bachmann's made the cover of the latest Cosmo Newsweek—an honor that comes with a new if not entirely original nickname ("the Queen of Rage") and complimentary #QueenOfRage Twitter hashtag. Too bad the photographer startled her like that, eh?

Remember when BP was perceived—thanks to hundreds of millions of dollars worth of advertising—as the "green" oil company? (That was only a couple months ago). Now, Shell is seeking to grab that totally made-up title. With advertising!

"There's an old saying, 'The cobbler's children have no shoes,'" flacks would say to me every single fucking time I wrote about the PR industry's reputation, at my old job. Advertising people: equally bad.

Remember Sex and the City? Where writing a dating column for a living supported Carrie's extravagant lifestyle? Well, those days are over. As is your hope for a luxurious life. The middle class is back!

It used to be that private planes inspired hatred simply because their occupants were probably over-wealthy environmental hypocrites. But thanks to the recession, private jets are an even more radioactive populist issue. Fly and die!

The ad industry doesn't have too many black people working in it, which has never been that much of a concern to the whites. Until now, because a fancy lawyer might start suing everybody:

The economy's in trouble. Have you heard? Banks would be much happier if you hadn't, but alas, that dude who was repossessing your car probably said something about it. So now our financial institutions are faced with their toughest challenge: deciding what kind of ads to run. They can't do anything about the actual economy—your money is toast. But maybe they can make you feel better about it! Does JPMorgan Chase see a smile on your face? Yes, JPMorgan Chase does! There are a few different strategies. Some, like failed failure WaMu, use humor, along the lines of "We've dragged our dessicated carcass to a safe place now. LOL!" Others are going for the old "reassure you despite all evidence to the contrary" tactic: