· Who needs writers when you have Carmen Electra, a pair of beds, and some pillows to hump? Not Ellen, that's who.
· A bigger impediment to one's game: being David Faustino, or having a giant dildo affixed to one's head?
· The Santarchy guys really need to crash the Beverly Center's Hunky Santa booth.
· New York may have found true reality TV love.
· The one about the vacationers and the toothbrush in the ass has always been our favorite urban legend.

On Saturday, the Beverly Hills Presbyterian Church had all the ingredients necessary for a successful westside Yuletide celebration: majestic choirs, a rousing performance of Handel's Messiah, and a celebrity supermodel to read the Christmas Story. Happily, not even the last-minute cancellation of planned "special guest" Hunky Santa could damper the spirit of the season; not a soul complained when it was announced to the congregation that the musclebound St. Nick wouldn't be able to attend due to a shift at the Beverly Center that ran too long.