"Nice Hair, Claire?" Stop Right There! See Me Reach? Aw Gee, Teach! No More Touchin' While You're Lunchin'! Principal's Principle Deserves Ridicule: No Caresses for Classmate's Tresses! Grinch Puts the Cinch on Friendly Clench. Pity the Itty-Bitty Kiddies. "Cuddle at Home, You Snuggling Gnomes! School Is Where Knowledge Is Grown, Not Your Bone! No More 'Likes,' You Porny Tykes! Tween Wet Dreams Should Remain Unseen. I Know You're Grinding Whilst Intertwining! Don't Be Petting While You're Still Bed-Wetting. Hands to Yourself, You Miscreant Whelps! Doing Drugs? Fine, But No Hugs!"

Oh, good, Today covered the teenage hug menace. "High school hugging has turned into a cultural phenomenon, studied by sociologists, and written about in The New York Times." A phenomenon studied by bullshit pseudo-scientists and written up as a trend in the Times? Hugs are the new hipster farms!