America's hottest after-hours discotheque is Club Applebee's.

It was ninety-something degrees in NYC today. Anthony Weiner's penis has been dominating the news for 24 hours now. Hotness besieges us on all sides! Need to beat that heat? Let's beat it together—with this handy list!

You've probably been wondering where super hot Russian spy Anna Chapman has been, right? Well, she was spotted today at a cosmodrome in Kazakhstan for the launch of the Russian Soyuz spacecraft, which is carrying Russians and Americans into space.

The hottest banker of all time, Debrahlee Lorenzana is back in the news cycle! The super-sexy financial wiz spoke to the Daily News, telling the paper, "I don't want to be famous. I try to stay away from that." Sure!

It's spring. Which means inevitably that wherever you are, someone will be asking jovially what it is about sunny days that means everyone gets more attractive. We're sick of this conversation. So here's why.

Yesterday's installment brought forth so much thrillingly lovely eye-candy that I'm sticking with the theme today. Only difference is that we'll be delving even further back into our collective crush unconsciousness. Crush-onciousness? Whatev. I'll start it off with my choice for most amazingly glorious 1970s heartbreaker.

The Asheville Citizen-Times ("Voice of The Mountains") took a break from their usual coverage of jam band festivals and moonshine-still flareups to profile hometown girl made good Marisha Pessl, author of summertime hit Special Topics in Calamity Physics. We feel a little bit bad about continuing to mock Ms. "book Broadway hot" Pessl — it isn't her fault that she has "brains as well as beauty," as the Citizen-Times puts it. But it is her fault that she continues to let people take ridiculous pictures of her. Thus, we have been forced to up(down)grade her condition to "Steve Madden ad hot."

We originally classified author Marisha Pessl as "book hot," then upped her to "TV hot," then tweaked the levels down to "Broadway hot" — all based on relevant photos, of course — but it appears that regardless of her photographic hotness, her physical presence underwhelms in terms of performance. An unimpressed witness to Pessl's weekend reading in Bryant Park reports: