You don't become the NBA's all-time scoring leader because you like to pass the ball. That philosophy applies to blogging as well for hoops legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who fired arguably the lowest-percentage shot of his professional life Wednesday with a baffling essay blending identity politics, film criticism and Barack Obama flag-waving. Or, as the Abdul-Jabbar playbook calls it, "Horton Hears a Racist":

When our cultural faith is shaken to its very core by the passing of Charlton Heston and looming Short Circuit remakes, we know we can always find quiet comfort in the security of numbers. Box-office numbers, to be exact:

You wake up cold and confused, naked except for the half-singed bonnet on your head, and surrounded by hundreds of empty Peeps boxes and decapitated chocolate bunnies. Damn it: You've surrendered to another Easter weekend bender. Enjoy the last pulses of glucose shooting through your veins as you peruse the box office numbers:

In honor of St. Patrick's day, we invite you to revisit the Crichton Leprechaun, peruse the screensavers and wallpapers available for download at colinfarrell.org, and dive into that bowl of cornflakes before the green beer turns them soggy. And while you're at it, have some box office numbers for good luck: