Was it only a year ago that our nation’s wealthiest fetal pig declared his candidacy for president? We have lived a thousand lives over the past year, as we’ve watched Hoobastank lyrics which have taken the physical form of an oversized yellow gummy bear with teeth get closer and closer to becoming America’s most important person. Mannequin covered in a chicken-skin robe hidden in the basement of a grown man who collects minion plush toys Donald Trump beat the odds to make it this far, and today we salute him. Here’s to five more months of watching a tiny-fingered banshee coated in slug mustard masturbate in public!

64-year-old Ronnie Wood of the Rolling Stones has a new girlfriend, 25-year-old Nicola Sargent of Belfast, Northern Ireland. Their relationship arrives shortly after Wood's breakup with decrepit Brazilian model Ana Araújo, 30 (gross!). In 2008, the musician left his wife of 23 years for waitress Ekaterina Ivanova, who was 18 at the time.