"You've come a long way to stroke your cock watching real men train," says Sparta's Queen Gorgo (Game of Thrones' Lena Headey) to Themistocles (Sullivan Stapleton), the Athenian protagonist of 300: Rise of an Empire. This serves as a quick lesson in how to watch this thing, director Noam Murro's not-quite-sequel to Zack Snyder's 2006 movie 300. ("What do you call it? A prequel? A sequel?" Murro said to the L.A. Times. "It's an equal, hopefully. It's a different perspective of the same time. Thematically, that's an interesting place to be." Yes. Innnnnteresting.)

Earlier this week, to the delight of the young, the young at heart, gay boys and lecherous cable TV execs all around the globe, British boy band One Direction released the video for their single "Kiss You." This video is a thumbnail illustration of what makes this group so much fun to watch because it is so fucking homoerotic. Most of the boys are on record as women-daters (Harry Styles is apparently insatiable), but their overall image is full of winks, nudges and crotch-grabs. Their perpetual game of are-they-or-aren't-they makes them engaging on a level we've never seen from a prefab pack of kids singing plastic pop.

The Harvard-Yale game's a storied tradition for Ivy League grads who enjoy comparing degree sizes/names. For everyone else, it's an opportunity to watch America's Prestigious Ivy Grads try to act like normal football fans, which they can't. So: what happened?!

The world's shocked and appalled by news and photos that private security forces guarding the American embassy in Kabul, act like pre-teen cave men. Here's something that won't improve the situation: the government's known all along!

Wonder what it's like to guard State Department facilities in Kabul? In photos first published by Gawker, security contractors get their kicks peeing on one another, simulating anal sex, doing "butt shots," and "eating potato chips out of ass cracks."

Fox & Friends anchor Brian Kilmeade says a man stuck on a ski lift with his ass hanging out should "get a Vaseline sponsorship," so he can "slide two fingers in." Plus: "Stimulus."