First, the media implants an unattainable idea in our heads about what a human body should look like. Then, on top of that, popular publications give confusing advice about how to achieve that impossibly cut look! In the last couple of days, the lying liberal media has published several articles on various fitness techniques. You don't need to read any of them, because we're about to round them all up and drop some serious knowledge on you about the phony, media-driven fitness fantasy. After the jump, how to save money and kick ass in this shallow, workout-obsessed world.

A tipster tells us that the odd Josh Hartnett short film on the Times' website—which shows the actor stumbling through the snow and chatting with a hotel desk clerk, as the first installment of a series that will somehow promote the NYT's fashion magazine—is the twisted byproduct of one thing only: asshole friends! Hartnett is "an extremely nice guy" and a "very loyal friend," but he's surrounded by "asshole user" fake friends who try to use him to further their careers in the industry. Or so we hear. If true, that would definitely solve the mystery of why Hartnett would make time for an aimless project like that. After the jump, more detailed ranting from our tipster, and a bonus clip of the obscure Josh Hartnett-Scarlett Johansson short that is supposedly a precursor to the Times dreck.

Kent Nichols and Douglas Sarine will write the script for a remake of 1978's Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! The pair are best known for the campy Web video series Ask a Ninja. Their latest episode and a clip from the 1978 film, below.

Happy news for fellas who just like to lay back with a cold one and soak up the rays: Stoner romantic comedy actor Matthew McConaughey is launching his own clothing line, called j.k. livin [Us]. The "j.k." stands for "just keep," and the "livin" stands for the recognition that stressing out over things like grammar can totally kill the leisurely pace at which life should be enjoyed. So far it looks like the line just features a half ass t-shirt, but hey, why worry? In a complementary move, McConaughey's girlfriend, Brazilian model Camila Alves, has launched her own line of astoundingly pricey handbags. Together, these items will bring the pleasures of Hollywood to you, the consumer. Photos of her $1,350 monstrosities, and her man's halfhearted t-shirt/ wristband set, after the jump.

Will.i.am's rousing pro-Obama anthem "We Are the Ones", follow-up to his similarly star-studded "Yes We Can", features Jessica Alba, Ryan Phillippe, Kerry Washington, George Lopez, Eric Mabius, John Leguizamo, Ben McKenzie, Macy Gray and the Black Eyed Peas. Jimmy Kimmel's "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck," his response to his girlfriend's viral hit, "I'm Fucking Matt Damon", features Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Cameron Diaz, Joan Jett, Macy Gray, Robin Williams, Don Cheadle, Pete Wentz, Perry Farrell, Benji and Joel Madden, Lance Bass, Josh Groban, Christina Applegate, Rebecca Romijn, Dominic Monaghan, Meatloaf, Dicky Barrett, Christopher "McLovin" Mintz-Plasse, Huey Lewis, and Josh Groban. Advantage: Kimmel. Masturbatory in-jokes about celebrity—still slightly more popular than earnest political pandering! (Also Macy Gray will pretty much show up for anything if you call.)

The cancellation of this year's Vanity Fair party, the social highlight of Oscars night, is a tragedy. Not so much because it deprives gatecrashers of their most significant challenge of the year; but because Graydon Carter's annual party invites represent a definitive list of celebrity. The next best thing: social scientist Elizabeth Currid and her colleague analyzed photographs of guests since last year's gathering, to calculate the most socially connected and socially promiscuous of celebrities. A taster: highly connected Kimora Lee Simmons is a perfect celebrity disease vector, or else simply skilled at working her way into the frame. But one of the flightiest social butterflies, a cute Spanish actress, seemingly devoted to her craft, will surprise you.

Post gossip great-aunt Cindy Adams got the fresh dirt from Hollywood mega-producer Scott Rudin as to how, exactly, that crazy Oscar-nommed "No Country For Old Men" came to be. "Look, you never know when something great's going to come through the transom. I do movies, plays. I'm always looking. My office covers lots of material. I have people who read books and manuscripts all the time. There was no great aha! moment. This didn't come by wrapped in a big pink ribbon and ushered through with great fanfare from some superimportant VIP with a 'must read' sticker on it. The thing came to us simply. As an unpublished manuscript." Yes. A real Hollywood fairytale, optioning novels by world famous, award-winning, ICM-managed authors is. Then Rudin took a chance on a couple of complete unknowns from far away Minnesota named Joel and Ethan Coen, and the rest is history. (After the jump, for kicks, the Hollywood Reporter story announcing the NCFOM deal.) [NYP]

Professional media spokesman and dessert entrepreneur Michael Sands is already helping his new client, Britney-associated character Sam Lutfi, put a nonchalant spin on his shady activities. What's the best PR strategy when a client is facing legal peril as well as the public dismantling of his reputation? Make bizarre rationalizations to a little-known Hollywood blogger, of course!

On CNBC today, he declared an end to the writers' strike. Not so, say our Hollywood sources. The strike will be over soon, they predict, but it's not done yet. Leave aside that question: Should we in the tech industry ever have cared about the strike in the first place?

Those famous Annie Leibovitz photos for Vanity Fair's Hollywood issue, like the one out this month, usually feature a large grouping of actresses, artfully slouched or draped over something (or someone), who are poised to be the Next Big Things. Looking at the trends of who was on the cover when, and how many times, it seems like the mag has created basically two categories: 1) Women who've proven themselves as successes and therefore merit a spot and 2) Women who are random and out of the blue and whose careers will forever be ruined by the premature exposure (not that VF cares. Or Annie, who always gets what she wants). Someone like Gretchen Mol comes to mind when thinking of the latter category; the poor kewpie doll has been ruined by a VF cover more than once. Also, does anyone remember Monica Potter? Sarah Wynter? Allison Elliott? Probably only IMDB commenters. Other actresses, like Cate Blanchett and Scarlett Johansson, continue to hold onto both their careers and the covers, having graced three each themselves. The secret to these ladies' success seems to be finding that exact chemistry between buzz, exposure, timing, etc. Or, you know, having talent. To see a gallery of all the Hollywood issue covers click here, and after the jump find a breakdown chart of some of the bigger actresses' VF appearances.

Today is the day of the 45th annual Publicists Awards, where the Cinematographers Guild, which reps entertainment photographers, gives credit to those special Hollywood flacks. Billy Bush is hosting it! Even blogging chronicler of the writers strike and serial publicist-basher Nikki Finke is up for an award! But be sure to leave your cell phone cameras at home before you head out to the Beverly Hilton. The Guild is currently working to enforce an industry-wide rule to benefit their own members by banning all other cameras, including ones on cell phones, from film sets and locations. Seems that people were leaking stuff to interweb too much. So all you flacks: leak to YouTube, and kiss your lifetime achievement award goodbye. [Variety]

Bert Fields appears to have retained his position as the most feared lawyer in Los Angeles, even though he was patron to alleged wiretapper Anthony Pellicano, was investigated by the FBI for it, and was subject to unflattering 2006 New Yorker and Vanity Fair features that painted Pellicano, while working on Fields cases, ruining the career of a nanny because she was a potential hostile witness and wiretapping Sylvester Stallone's phones. Pellicano's trial starts later this month, but Fields is doing fine. He's helping Tamara Mellon, the Jimmy Choo designer and ex of porn king Joe Francis, sue her own Mom for $10 million and, more impressively, helped win book publisher Judith Regan a rumored $20 million+ settlement in her wrongful termination case against no less than Rupert Murdoch and his News Corp. Oh, and he bills out around $900 per hour. Not bad for an 80 year old. [Muckety]

Former Yahoo CEO and Warner Bros. cochairman Terry Semel wants another job in Hollywood, Deadline Hollywood Daily reports. New Line Cinema is Semel's most likely destination; he's already met with the studio's Time Warner bosses. But the site says Semel is telling friends, "I'm looking at everything." Sounds like about a 1,000 other soon-to-be ex-Yahoos we know! Only, you know, they aren't going to make it out with $528 million, like Semel did.

Studio execs confirm in the WSJ that Heath Ledger's death won't stop a clever Web marketing campaign built around the Joker, Ledger's character in an upcoming Batman movie. The campaign, built around sites such as TheGothamTimes.com and the corresponding TheHaHaHaTimes.com, heavily features the Joker's antics. So does the movie. Don't let that stop you from enjoying either. In interviews before his death, Ledger said the role was challenging, but the most fun he's ever had.

In a question and answer session in Los Angeles, the Coen brothers spoke about their award-winning movie "No Country For Old Men." Among the more interesting bits is this, " The U.S.-Mexico border station was actually built by a production design team in New Mexico, a few hundred miles north of the actual border. That didn't stop some locals from mistaking it for the real thing." One wonders if perhaps there was a N.C.F.O.M. mini-economy that cropped up with coyotes offering to smuggle naive New Mexicans across the border into the New United States of America. [EW]

After the success of former PayPal COO David Sacks's Thank You for Smoking, Hollywood has renewed its efforts to tap the swollen bank accounts of Silicon Valley's newly wealthy entrepreneurs. But the come-on I've just received is more unusual than most such attempts. The movie in question? A film adaptation of James B. Stewart's DisneyWar, a savage portrait of former Disney CEO Michael Eisner. Eisner drew many enemies in the Valley during his reign at the media company, so there might plausibly be some willing to fund a cinematic poke at him.

This strike must be devastating, says a writer's empathetic friend. "Not at all," responds the writer. "Now I can just tell people I'm striking rather than simply unemployed."

In Los Angeles, everyone goes to the Oscars. But Silicon Valley remains so starstruck that a local dignitary's attendance at the ceremony makes news. Brad Lewis, San Carlos's newly installed mayor, is going to the Academy Awards. When not out furthering his political career, Lewis moonlights as a Hollywood producer. His most recent flick, Pixar's Ratatouille, is up for four awards, including best animated film. At last, he can regain the dignity he lost while working as "a dancing monster" in the national stage production of Sesame Street Live!

Sunday's New York piece on Bourne director Doug Liman was basically your typical boilerplate profile of the weird genius. Annoying-but-brilliant, healthily despised, and-for the purposes of this here piece-highly redeemable. That is, if you don't count the debasing way the director, son of a hero of civic litigation, treats his assistant. Less relevant to his character, but still a major put-off, we hear Liman doesn't brush his teeth!

If the wearying writer's strike is finally to be resolved, this is how it will probably happen. The Directors Guild of America has begun negotiating on the movie makers' cut of online revenues; any deal would be a model for other groups such as the writers in their dispute with the Hollywood studios. Why are the directors any more likely to come to terms? Much of the membership of the Writers Guild of America was unemployed before the entertainment industry shutdown began. The directors' union is a more elite club; the movie makers want to get back to work, because they actually have projects.