Remember freshman year when the girls had to talk to the school nurse about menstruation? Well, Esquire Editor-in-Chief David Granger is doing that but for Hearst's male employees. It's called "Your Pump, Your Plumbing, and a Cocktail." Gross!

Today, four prestigious magazine publishers, and News Corp, officially announced their new "digital storefront" for magazines and stuff. Buy it and put it on your E-reader! Are you sick of E-readers yet? You will be! And you'll be using one.

• France's first lady, Carla Bruni, will star in Woody Allen's next movie. [AFP]
• Time Inc. is shutting down InStyle Weddings and laying off nine people in the process. The company also let 15 staffers go at Fortune today. [Gawker, NYP]
• Adam Lambert's racy performance at the AMAs has stirred up some drama, in case you haven't heard; ABC says it's been flooded with complaints. [NYT]
• In related news, Lambert will not be appearing on GMA due to the fallout, but he will be on the Early Show and the Late Show with David Letterman. [HL]
• The Washington Post is closing its NYC, LA, Chicago bureaus. [WaPo]
• Time Inc., Condé Nast and Hearst are setting up a company to "allow them to take the digital future into their own hands." Better late than never! [NYO]
• Sarah Palin's Going Rogue sold 700,000 copies in its first week, sadly. [AP]

• New Moon smashed expectations this weekend, racking up $140 million at the box office and setting a record for the third-biggest opening ever. [NYT]
• News Corp. and Microsoft are in talks to remove News Corp. content from Google and have it appear on Bing, Microsoft's search engine. [FT, Bloomberg]
• O is slumping, so Hearst is now planning to makeover the magazine. [NYP]
• Talks between GE and Vivendi over NBC seem to have hit a roadblock. [WSJ]
• Project Runway's finale generated solid ratings for Lifetime, but it still didn't reel in the number of viewers it did when it aired on Bravo. [WWD]
• Scary: Glenn Beck is now looking to be more of a "political organizer." [NYT]
• Also scary: Lou Dobbs wasn't kidding about running for president. [NYDN]
• Katie Couric: serious anchor by day, sexy dancer by night. [Gawker]

• Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN! Tonight's his last show! Happy Wednesday! [NYT]
• Condé Nast magazines have lost a collective 8,359 pages of advertising in 2009, which represents a 31 percent decline from a year earlier. [NYT]
• One thing that Hearst has going for it: lots of cash in the bank. [NYP]
• Banker-turned-media investor Jimmy Finklestein is reportedly buying the Hollywood Reporter, Billboard, Adweek, and a few other Nielsen titles. [Wrap]
• Current TV is keeping current with the times and laying off 80 staffers. [LAT]
• TV: Joss Whedon's Dollhouse has been canceled by Fox; meanwhile, ABC has decided that Kelsey Grammer comedy series Hank will exist no longer.
• Détente? President Obama has agreed to give Fox News an interview. [HP]
• The New Yorker sure has lots of writers and editors! [NYO]
• Reality TV is slowly killing us. So says Vanity Fair's James Wolcott. [VF]

In your woebegone Wednesday media column: Hearst gets money, layoffs at Current TV, Conde Nast gets internet religion, and Sesame Street characters are the swing votes in Fox News' war for righteousness.

• Time Inc. is "not for sale," says Time Warner boss Jeff Bewkes. [DF]
• Meanwhile, Time Inc., Condé Nast, and Hearst are looking to team up and create a "Hulu for magazines." Another winning idea, clearly. [FT, ATD]
• Miramax is fast approaching non-existence. Disney, Miramax's parent, is cutting 50 jobs at the company, leaving it with just 20 employees. [NYT]
• The pros and cons to a marriage between Comcast and NBC. [AdAge]
• The Washington Post and Bloomberg are launching a joint news service. [AP]
• TV Guide dismissed several execs yesterday, including its publisher. [NYP]
• Former Warner Bros. and Yahoo! chief Terry Semel was interested in buying the Nets, but he couldn't compete with Russian mogul Mikhail Prokhorov. [P6]
• Will the David Letterman drama ultimately hurt the show's ratings or send skittish advertisers running for the exits? That's unlikely, say observers. [THR]
• The cover of Sarah Palin's forthcoming (and already best-selling) memoir, Going Rogue, has been revealed. Try to contain your excitement. [AP]

It's a breathtaking double-cross, even by San Francisco standards: A newspaper left for dead by a philanthropist billionaire, who, in partnership with a university, public radio and even perhaps the New York Times, has transferred his affections to the Web.

In your buttermilk-battered Wednesday media column: the NYT cafeteria gets a sterling review, Jack Shafer is a night-wandering insomniac, Graydon Carter blackballs restaurateurs, and citizen journalism pays off (for somebody), and Hearst rents a fresh bachelor pad.

• Get ready for the Spider-Man ride at Disney World: Walt Disney has agreed to pay $4 billion in cash and stock to acquire Marvel Entertainment. [NYT, WSJ]
• Because she was clearly the very best person for the job, Jenna Bush has signed on with the Today show. The daughter of the former president will be contributing stories "about once a month on issues like education." [THR]
• The Final Destination was No. 1 at the box office this weekend with a $28.3 million take; Inglourious Basterds came in No. 2 with $20 million. [THR]
• Newsstand magazine sales continue to fall. Single-copy sales fell 12 percent during the first half of the 2009 compared to the same period in 2008. [AP]
• NBC's new slogan for its fall marketing campaign? "More colorful." [Variety]

The Post's Keith Kelly reported today that Elle's parent company has been in discussions to turn over a stake in the magazine to Hearst. Could to be true? For what it's worth, a Hachette spokeswoman tells the Observer there's "no truth" to the report. And while we were hoping that Joe Zee might be able to shed some light on the situation, he seems to be preoccupied with whether or not he has swine flu. Only time will tell if a deal for Elle is in the works. In the meantime, though, feel free to a little prayer for Zee. Catching swine flu five weeks before Fashion Week? That could be tragic. [NYP, NYO]

• Ben Silverman didn't have much success during his two-year stint at NBC, but that didn't stop him from scoring a super-sweet deal with Barry Diller's IAC. His new venture will reportedly give him $100 million to play with. [NYP]
• Viacom, the media conglomerate controlled by batty billionaire Sumner Redstone, reported that profits plunged 32% in the second quarter. [NYT]
• Struggling McGraw-Hill reports quarterly profits dropped 22.7%. [PC]
• The Daily News and sportswriter Adam Rubin are refuting the claims of Mets management that Rubin tried to get himself a job on the team. [E&P]
• Amanda Hearst has landed a job at Hearst's Marie Claire. It's a miracle! [P6]

These are desperate times for newspapers. Experimentation abounds. For the San Francisco Chronicle this means trying to charge for their fancy (but relatively cheap to duplicate) columnists and giving away less-glamorous (but expensive) reporting.

In your merry Monday media column: Hearst Magazines is not dying quite so quickly as others (news!), the New York Times wants more of your money, a thing happens at 'Morning Joe,' Sun-Times people invite Bill Rancic to suck it, and more:

• Conan O'Brien makes his debut this evening as Tonight Show host. [BN, EW]
• Bravo is ditching its tagline "Watch what happens" and replacing it with "By Bravo." We'll just have to watch and see what happens with that. [AdAge]
• More on the recent ratings meltdown at CNN. [Politico]
• The Times Magazine will be 9 percent smaller starting in two weeks. [E&P]
• DirectTV chief Chase Carey is in talks to join News Corp. as Rupert Murdoch's second-in command, taking over for Peter Chernin. [THR, BN]
• Disney's animated pic Up was No. 1 at the box office this weekend. [THR]
• New York's cover story on Condé Nast, in case you missed it. [NYM]

• The new H&M at 86th Street and Lexington opens at noon tomorrow. [AFB, Racked]
• Scarlett Johansson is replacing Penélope Cruz as the face of Mango. [WWD, SF]
• For the first time, the CFDA is tacking on a "Popular Vote Award" to this year's show. As the name implies, it will allow the public to weigh in, shockingly. [WWD]
• What's Kate Moss's novel going to be about? "A young model's life as she goes from a nobody to an A-list star." Sounds familiar, no? [NYDN]
• Marc Jacobs hosted a 30th birthday party for fiancé Lorenzo Martone last night at the not-yet-open Avenue. Julia Restoin Roitfeld and Genevieve Jones (above) were among the 150 people on hand for the occasion. [W]

Internet fameball competition was already intense before the recession and subprime celebrity crisis. Now it's gone cutthroat. And Lydia Hearst, never shy about exposing flesh, will not be forgotten so, hey, here are her tits.

Terminal patients often suffer colorful delusions. But none is as cruel as the fantasy Amazon.com has kindled among dying ink-stained wretches, who believe a magical electronic reading device will cure what ails magazines and newspapers.

• The New York Times Company reported a first-quarter loss of $74.5 million today, as advertising revenue plunged by more than 28 percent. [NYT]
• Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia's Wenda Harris Millard is stepping down as the company's co-CEO and president. [Crain's]
• One magazine that hasn't been crippled by the recession: Hearst's Food Network Magazine, which is now ramping up circulation. [AdAge]
• What's former Condé Nast star James Truman up to these days? Among other things, he's working on the in-room magazine for Ritz-Carlton. [Portfolio]
• Washingtonian magazine has a shirtless pic of Obama on the cover. [WM]