The latest stress- and technology-related affliction that is destroying relationships and lives around the world is sleep-texting: a "rare condition" in which people "send incoherent text messages while asleep to their friends and family." There is no known cure, besides keeping your phone out of the bedroom.

The mayor of the coastal town of Huarmey in Peru told a crowd that he was concerned their tap water contained dangerously high levels of strontium — a metal which he claimed reduces male hormones, increasing the risk of homosexuality among those who drink it.

Acupuncture kids! Stem cells! Text bullies! Boundary effect! Pig drugs! Tainted jerky! Elderly pain! Light brains! And the super Greek diet that will save us all! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—pointedly!

America's War on Fake Butts continues! Here are some police photos of 30-year-old Oneal Ron Morris, a not-doctor arrested by Miami Gardens, Florida police for allegedly giving women—and herself?—butt injections using a mixture of "cement, 'Fix a Flat,' mineral oil and super glue."

How many American butts had to develop "hard lumps, ripples, skin discolorations, and infections" before alleged, unauthorized butt enhancer Kimberly Smedley was arrested by federal agents last month? Perhaps we'll never know. But we'll definitely sleep more soundly knowing that America's butts are being protected from her silicone-stuffed syringes.

If you, like me, are a big fan of nonfiction, then you'll want to add Stuck Up! 125 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn't Be to your holiday reading list, and pronto. Who wouldn't want to curl up to a roaring fire this Christmas with a definitive compendium of funny things stuck inside people's bodily cavities? Sure, slowly squatting onto a 12-Inch Karate Action Buzz Lightyear might sound like a good idea after a couple of grams of high-grade crystal methamphetamine; it's the journey back to Earth that isn't always quite so pleasant. (And if you think that's bad, you should see what happened to the guy's Woody.) [Stuck Up! via TMZ]

Bone shaving! Mud runs! Tinsel Korey! Workout faux-pas! Terry's fitness! Stretching controversy! Boxing trainers! Exercise strategy! And the last overtraining question you'll ever need to ask! It's your Wednesday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—dynamically!

Sex talk! Chewing tobacco! Cholesterol drugs! Womb psychology! Weight coaching! Baby abdomen! Kiwi heart! Medication erection! And hearing loss, say what? Haha. It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—age-appropriately!

It's officially official! The Supreme Court has agreed to take on the case of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, a.k.a. Obamacare — it's not a naughty word unless you let it be! — near the end of its current session, as per the White House's request.

When New Zealander Les Kennington, who is a man, visited a health clinic complaining about severe stomach pains, doctors suggested that his past hysterectomy might be to blame. They know he had a hysterectomy because his medical report says so. Why does it say so, though, given that Kennington is a man?

It's indescribably sad when a once-vibrant human—due to accident or illness—is forced into a brain-dead "vegetative state." The only solace is the knowledge that their mind has been freed from the worries of this world. Wrong.

Canadian researchers have been studying a 22-year-old woman and lifelong amnesiac who can't remember the faces of anyone unfamiliar or non-famous. Show her a photo of baby-voiced celebutante Paris Hilton, however, and she has almost no trouble identifying who it is. Paris Hilton's face will not be stopped.

Sodium diet! Obesity drug! Autism brain! Sickness debt! Exercise aging! Digestion difficulty! Drug sex! Fruit interactions! And a stern reminder to never trust those "doctors!" It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with malice!

Drug approval! Earthquake danger! Child risks! Ending aging! Cancer marathon! Texas therapy! Pneumonia vaccination! Robot walking! And a whole new way of looking at regulation! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a heavy heart!

Paul Parisi, a prisoner at Stateville Correctional Center in Illinois, suffers from fibroneuroma—a disease that causes benign tumors to form on his nerve cells. When Parisi's illness started causing him severe pains, he asked his (taxpayer-subsidized) prison doctors to treat him. So they gave him some (free) aspirin and ibuprofen, the end.

Freshman 15! Conjoined twins! Breast milk! Wino diet! Lonely sleepers! Yoga pain! Soda targeting! Cold flu! And some health facts just aren't funny! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—supportively!

In fecal transplant therapy—also known as fecal bacteriotherapy—doctors take the poop of one person and stick it up the butt of another person. It's not for everyone! But it seems to be life-saving for people who suffer from Clostridium difficle, a disease you definitely don't want to get.

As certified by his physician, President Obama is "tobacco-free," just like an herbal cigarette. He weighs a healthy 181 pounds, is physically active, eats healthy, and "on occasion drinks alcohol in moderation," which makes him a very bad Muslim.

Not recreational drugs, which are in seemingly endless supply, but about 180 medications used to treat cancer, bacterial infections, and other serious illnesses. It's the dysfunctional marketplace's fault again! The marketplace doesn't care about your cancer.

Tumbleweed comeback! Aspirin cancer! Goosebump fear! Star molecules! Cowardly dragonflies! Fish labeling! Python organs! Spider foreplay! And outer space's most popular costumes! It's your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—with bravado!