A group of disgruntled staffers at heralded Harvard rag The Crimson said good-bye to the outgoing leadership with a group email that includes the phrases "epically unpopular," "forever-flaccid penis," and "group-fisting."

Hotmess Courtney Love reports that hotmess Britney Spears was molested as a kid. Usher is a girlyman. Captain Scuzzybutt Esq. will make Page Six one day. Natalie Portman's "tits." Barbara Cocoran's PR team. Presenting your late-edition Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

The Harvard-Yale game's a storied tradition for Ivy League grads who enjoy comparing degree sizes/names. For everyone else, it's an opportunity to watch America's Prestigious Ivy Grads try to act like normal football fans, which they can't. So: what happened?!

Eliot Spitzer will deliver a lecture on ethics at Harvard's Center for Ethics this afternoon. $20 anyone who manages to utter Ashley Dupre near an open mic.

Horrible racist Sgt. James Crowley and angry racialist professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. were spotted having beers at a Cambridge bar called River Gods last night. It's not the White House, but at least Biden wasn't there.

Somebody tried to kill a bunch of lab workers at Harvard Medical School two months ago, with deadly poison. This is just coming out now, because Harvard does not want you to know about its deadly coffee machines.

Three-steps-from-crazy-cat-lady WSJ columnist Peggy Noonan is teaching at Harvard. Our spies report: "Peggy's a ridiculous, hilarious person to speaking with any authority on anything at all." They've provided us with her awesome quotes. We're presenting them emoticon-contextualized them for you.

Oh oh oh, merry Christmas, it's a semi-credulous story in the New York Times about Harvard students and deprivation. Our nation's greatest treasures (Harvard students) are quite literally going to die, from poverty!

Sign That Shit's Bad: Ivy League alum deigning to include the previously excluded, those wannabe-Ivy guttertrash punks! What used to be considered a step above Chico State now makes the cut for scholastic Blue-Blooded's get-togethers. What gives? Introducing Ivy Plus.

You do not want to miss the weekly festival of swooning self-regard and misty incoherence that will be Peggy Noonan's "Study Group" for undergrads this year, during her fellowship at the Kennedy School's Institute of Politics. Let's read the syllabus.

Retiring Harvard professor Colonel Sanders Harvey Cox doddered onto Harvard Yard yesterday to graze his cow, as is his god damn right.

Barack Obama spent some of his very important time this week telling school children they should shoot for the stars and aim for grade-A educations. Sadly, our president was wrong, because America's institutions of higher learning are dead broke!!

William Fitzsimmons, Harvard's dean of admissions, is taking questions on the New York Times' website. So far, 788 queries have been submitted. What do these questions tell us about American higher education? That it can make you crazy, times ten.

Harvard. It's revered as one of the nation's most prestigious institutions of higher learning. Why, then, did the university's newspaper, The Harvard Crimson, run a holocaust denier's advert after rejecting it over a decade ago?

Hard-up Harvard needs cash. So they signed a ten-year licensing deal with Manhattan fashion firm Wearwolf to lend their name to Harvard Yard, a clothing line endorsed and inspired by the ubiquitous Ivy League name-dropped school. It's awesomely ridiculous.

Harvard Medical School tried to tell its own students they couldn't speak to the (scary) media without the school's official permission. Shut up, college—literally! Haha. No we did not go to Harvard, why? Luckily!

Twitter's all about self-promotion. This we know. MC Hammer knows that, too, and apparently has been quite successful at it, which explains why Gravity Summit invited him to keynote this week's social media conference at Harvard.

Famous Judd Ashley Judd has enrolled at Harvard! She is working toward the Kennedy School's Mid-Career Master in Public Administration. That is the program for people who want to, like, run countries or the UN.

It was apparently impossible for the New York Times' Charles McGrath to hate novelist Nick McDonell, once they met in person. Thankfully, as we are merely stealing from McGrath and not meeting young Nick, we shall not have that problem.

Well here's something that'll melt the ice around even the coldest heart out there: On Sunday, Professor Henry Louis Gates mentioned at a book-signing that he and Sgt. James Crowley might attend a Red Sox or a Celtics game together.