Oh noooo. Harry Potter author and revered nice person jillionaire J. K. Rowling's dress slid down during a reading, revealing a chaste white brassiere and the best Brit-cougar cleave this side of Helen Mirren, but we feel terrible—terrible!—for pointing this out. Also for opening the door to what are sure to be the worst puns ever made.
"A YouGov poll has found that almost 10% of Britons aspire to being an author, followed by sports personality, pilot, astronaut and event organiser on the list of most coveted jobs. More women than men yearn to write, while those aged between 35 and 50, and those over 50 were most likely to dream about getting published." Thank you very much, J.K. Rowling. Now instead of the traditional habits of soccer violence and videotaping couples screwing in cars that we've come to expect from the British, we can look forward to a deluge of sub-standard Harry Potter rehashes. [Guardian]
The streets of Beijing are paved not with gold, or even yuan, but with a flood of fake Harry Potter books:
In this topsy-turvy world of starlets with brains and divine smitings, it's a relief to know we can count on our masterful DVD bootleggers to peer into their crystal balls and show us how good things could be. A reader sent us this still of the cover of a cheap, pirated copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which radically improves the film by slapping an R rating on it to account for the antics of its salacious new cast:
· Typical: Ben's the one running around in the stupid corn costume, but Matt's the one getting all the press.
· Lindsay Lohan's recent streak of trouble calls to mind the heyday of one of Hollywood's most accomplished fuck-ups.
· Just because we feel like Paris Hilton's been a little starved for attention today, here you go.
· Popular Mechanics looks at how close science is to replicating some of Harry Potter's favorite magical toys.
· Here's a list of the six trippiest scenes culled from The Simpsons' long, proud tradition of drug humor. The Guatemalan Insanity Peppers clip is a fine choice for #1.
Thank goodness Ollie Kottke is a newborn and not a Harry Potter-obsessed preteen. If he were, then his father Jason Kottke would have had a real problem on his hands when UPS lied to him about its delivery of Kottke's copy of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" on Saturday. As it was, he was just inconvenienced. As was I. Here's my story — and to my mind, proof that Kottke's missing copy was not an isolated incident, and instead, a big problem for UPS and Amazon.com.
"All the outrage surrounding this particular book notwithstanding, contemporary publishers impose these blackouts not in the interest of readers but to protect the carefully planned publicity campaigns they create for books on which they have advanced large sums of money. This is the economic imperative that leads publishers to withhold the contents of even nonfiction manuscripts that contain news that the public has a vital interest in knowing. It's also why newspapers, including this one, routinely break those embargoes without any pang of conscience. Our first and most compelling obligation is to our readers' right to know and not to the commercial interests of publishers." [LAT]
· Following the kind of hype we generally reserve for the release of Hollywood blockbusters that leave us feeling empty inside, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows sells 8.3 million copies in its first 24 hours of release, shattering™ the record of 7 million copies set by Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Saturday's record-setting take could mean as much as $150 million for JK Rowling and her publisher. [Variety]
· Meanwhile, the new Potter movie brings in another $100.8 million at the overseas box office, leading Rowling to consider the possibility of buying her own planet. (Please disregard if she has previously purchased a planet and we somehow missed the news.) [Variety]
· Hollywood GuttenbergWatch: The Gütte joins the cast of the Jessica Simpson comedy Major Movie Star, where he'll play the part of Simpon's agent, a man none too pleased by his earner's decision to enlist in the Army. Hilarity to ensue as Guttenberg steals every scene he's in. [THR]
· Columbia is in "negotiations" with Hotel Rwanda and Reservation Road director Terry George to direct the Tom Cruise vehicle Edwin. A Salt (think The Fugitive, but with a CIA operative instead of a doctor—we see lots of Cruise's trademarked perfect-form sprinting), a project among the contenders that the actor hopes to rush into production before a strike hits. [Variety]
· And speaking of the strike, the AMPTP puts a hold on talks with the WGA while they wrap up contract negotiations with the Teamsters and some craft unions, delaying their next heated round of exchanging "fuck you" proposals and "no, fuck you" counterproposals. [THR]
Rupert Murdoch is on Time managing editor Rick Stengel's shortlist for 'Person of the Year.' "At this early stage, just after the first half, Murdoch is on Stengel's 'shortlist,' along with New York mayor Michael Bloomberg, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling, Barry Bonds (assuming he breaks Hank Aaron's all-time home-run record), and Army general David Petraeus. If the U.S. troop commitment in Iraq changes as the result of Petraeus' September report on the "surge," he will emerge as the clear favorite." Where's the lead zombie from the "Thriller" video? We call bullshit! [minOnline]
Through the Darkness of yet another Monday morning comes the Light of hope: the weekend box office numbers:
Bad news, eastside Harry Potter fans: You're already too late to be the first in line for Skylight Books' all-night Deathly Hallows bacchanalia. But before you dismiss the chair and pillow as fan overkill, realize that this is a clearly designated BYOC&P event, as unrelenting hour upon hour of wand-making, lively Snape debates, and Hogwarts house self-sorting are likely to tucker out even the most energetic of wizardry enthusiasts, especially once the effects of a handful of Bertie Bott's Booger-Flavored Methamphetamine Beans wear off.
Since CNBC interviewed me about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the last book in the famous series, leaking onto the internets, there have been further developments. Scholastic, Potter's U.S. publisher, is threatening legal action against DeepDiscount.com, an e-commerce website which only started selling books five months ago. While it appears DeepDiscount.com did break Scholastic's embargo, it's not clear that the copies — photographs of pages, really — leaked onto file-sharing networks actually came from the online retailer. Not that any of this will hurt sales, as I told CNBC, of course. Most people don't dress their kids up in wizard costumes and stay up until midnight to download torrents. And the few dorky enough to do that placed their "Potter" pre-orders on Amazon.com months ago. (Video from CNBC)
A gaggle of chubby media folk making their way out of the restaurant wearing all black with big Harry Potter media badges hanging around their neck, walking in the direction of Scholastic. I bet they're wearing black because Potter dies... or lives!
Since we at Defamer realize that the only thing worse than the crippling shame of being spotted with a book in Los Angeles is being seen with a children's book in our fine, reading-averse city—even if that book will one day become a mega-grossing motion picture—we're happy to pass along a link to this gallery of alternate covers for the new Harry Potter tome that might lessen the humiliation of being caught in the act of catching up with the goings-on at Hogwarts. While the featured Fuck Wars is a good choice, we also recommend Memoirs of a Shark Fucker, whose title just might confuse the gangs of cultural enforcers who roam L.A. looking to geld anyone flouting their disobedience of local anti-literacy codes long enough for you to beat a hasty escape.
Tonight, tens of thousands of happy New York children will stay up past their bedtimes, lining up at bookstores for when the final "Harry Potter" book is released at a minute after midnight. But how safe will they be? Cross-referencing the list of local Harry Potter parties with the sex offender registry, we can reveal that these children will be surrounded by literally dozens of baby rapists and other offenders! Is no place safe? Actually, yes, some place is! We've identified the safest New York-area place to take your child tonight. The answer may surprise you!
Click to enlarge.
