The holidays couldn't come sooner for the nation's Republicans, who just suffered a devastating repudiation of everything they hold dear and are in the process of confronting the fact that the America they loved so much is now mostly brown and gay. What can you get them to cheer them up and help them along the inevitable journey to socialism?

During a power outage at the Aruba Surf Club, a quick-thinking Jill Zarin lit her Hanukkah menorah, saving her kin from darkness with the light of nine small candles that lasted three long hours. Just like the Maccabees, running out of oil and threatened by darkness at a five-star Caribbean resort.