Tom Brokaw of all people has a funny column in today's Journal about all the distressed assets 'Main Street' types would like to sell Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. For instance, Barney "Big Un" Baumgartner of Wyoming — a real person, I checked — is offering an 80% stake in his gambling debts and taxidermy business for $1.8 million. The column is labeled 'humor' as if the Journal needs to remind you it does not find the actual bailout to be a joke. But they are are alone in that respect! Because the great untold story of this column the Journal can't tell you because they don't use swear words is the brand-new awesome website BuyMyShitPile.com, wherein average U.S. Americans are offering to unload their most illiquid investments — like this attractive house, Hank's for $269,000,000! — at what they believe to be fair "Hold To Maturity" prices or whatever. Our favorite shit after the jump:

♦ Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson and Federal Reserve chair Ben Bernanke's visit to Washington did little to reassure lawmakers, who were almost uniformly critical of the government's proposed $700 billion bailout. [NYT, WSJ, WSJ]
♦ By the way, how much is $700 billion? Slate runs the numbers. [Slate]
♦ The FBI is now involved in the meltdown. The agency has opened preliminary investigations into possible fraud at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, Lehman Brothers and AIG. [NYT, WSJ]
♦ Warren Buffett's $5 billion investment in Goldman is viewed as a strong sign of confidence. And Goldman's stock is way up, not surprisingly. [NYT]
♦ Three top Lehman execs including Dick Fuld sold shares after Lehman filed for bankruptcy, with Fuld selling 3.17 million shares at an average of 21 cents a share. [WSJ]

♦ The markets were down sharply yesterday as investors worried about the government's $700 billion bailout and lawmakers squabbled over the specifics. More will be revealed today when Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson and SEC chair Christopher Cox discuss the plan in more detail in front of the Senate. [NYT, WSJ, WSJ, Marketwatch]
♦ The SEC's new short-selling rules have been generating plenty of questions and complaints the past few days. Now the SEC plans to revise a number of the rules. [Dealbook, WSJ, NYP]
♦ Nomura is close to acquiring the European operations of Lehman Brothers, a day after the Japanese bank snagged Lehman's Asian operations for $225 million. [WSJ]
♦ The Times' Sorkin: "Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr.'s $700 billion proposal to bail out Wall Street is both the biggest rescue and the most amazing power grab in the history of the American economy. [NYT]

♦ The Federal Reserve and Treasury are working with Congress on a sweeping bailout program that would represent the biggest intervention in financial markets since the '30s. Asian and European markets soared on the news. [WSJ, Bloomberg, NYT]
♦ Five banks are now looking at Washington Mutual, including Wells Fargo, JPMorgan Chase and HSBC. [WSJ, Dealbook]
♦ Morgan Stanley's John Mack fought for his life yesterday, lobbying for regulatory changes, twisting arms, and discussing deals with potential partners. China's sovereign wealth fund, China Investment Corp, is now believed in be in discussions to take a 49 percent of Morgan. [WSJ, Marketwatch]

• After frantic takeover talks with Bank of America and Barclays ended over the weekend—and after the U.S. government declined to provide a bailout—Lehman Brothers was forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection this morning, marking an end to the 158-year-old firm. [Bloomberg, NYT, WSJ]

• Investors generally reacted positively yesterday to the news of the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac bailout. [WSJ]

• The seizure of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac by the federal government over the weekend has sent global stocks up sharply this morning. [Bloomberg]
  

• Yahoo and Carl Icahn have reached a settlement: Icahn and two of his nominees will join the board of the company. [AP]

The economy these days is terrible and scary! Uh, notwithstanding yesterday's biggest gain in financial stocks in two decades. The important thing is, business figures must look terrified for the future of us all. So the WSJ had to redo some of its overly happy portraits (like Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit's, pictured). Below, a larger version of Pandit, and before and after shots of Hank Paulson, courtesy of CJR. Their furrowed brows will solve the credit crisis: