A U.S. plan to donate a million pounds of free peanuts to Haiti could destroy the Haitian peanut farming economy. Some even “denounced the peanut donation as ‘a plan of death.’” Instead, why not give a million pounds of peanuts to me?

The first friend I made in Elizabeth, New Jersey was a white kid named Billy. As a New York transplant my Dominicano look wasn’t too popular with Jersey folk. I had an afro, wore dress pants, a collared shirt, and black leather shoes with little gold buckles. Most of the kids just wanted to know what my thing was. Billy and I couldn’t have been more different, but we got close pretty quickly. Despite the fact that Billy’s parents wouldn’t allow him over my house, my grandmother allowed me over his. She took one look at Billy’s blonde hair and blue eyes, and at his mother’s middle class American manners, and pronounced their household safe. “Where are you from?” Billy’s mother asked, referring to my grandmother’s heavy accent. “I thought you were black.” On that day I couldn’t have imagined how many times I’d have to answer that question in my lifetime. “We’re Dominican.”

Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier, former dictator of Haiti, has died of a heart attack, his lawyer reports. He was 63 years old.

A woman waves from a float during the Carnaval des Fleurs in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, Monday. The three-day celebration was started by President Michel Martelly in 2012 as a summer tourist attraction; 22,000 people attended the carnival last year. Image by Dieu Nalio Chery via AP.

Dodge. Parry. Thrust. Also, drop the épée. Take off that dumb facemask and grab one of them dull machetes over there. Count your fingers up, just to be sure. Okay, now you're ready for sport. Let ol' Alfred Avril, aka "Papa Machete," show you the ropes.

Halfway through the trailer for Ben Stiller's remake of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, the title daydreamer—stuck in the rat race with boring men in boring suits at Life magazine— lifts his eyes from his desk toward a photograph on a bulletin board. Now here's the payoff, when staid reality breaks into excitement, and the nebbishy lead is drawn into the world of fantasy and adventure that Fox is betting will win our $12 and two hours come Christmas. It's a photo of Sean Penn.

Here's an ad created by DDB New York for WaterIsLife, a nonprofit organization dedicated to providing clean drinking water to people in developing countries. The ad features a bunch of poor Haitian people reading a bunch of #FirstWorldProblems tweets out loud: "I hate when my phone charger won't reach my bed," "I hate it when I tell them no pickles, and they still give me pickles," etc. The message of the spot is clear: You're an asshole for whining about your problems when you have clean drinking water. Now here is why this spot is fucking terrible:

Remember how Wyclef Jean promised to clean up his sham charity last year after it started raising $1 million a day in the wake of the earthquake in Haiti? Guess what.

Former singer Michel "Sweet Micky" Martelly was sworn in as Haiti's new president today in a ceremony where, unsurprisingly, the electricity cut out. Sweet Micky has a long road ahead of him.

As expected, former carnival singer Michel Martelly defeated former first lady Mirlande Manigat in Haiti's presidential elections, and will likely become president despite a challenge by Manigat. Martelly, who's never held office, took 67 percent of the vote [Miami Herald]

Gawker's favorite New Jersey humanitarian, Wyclef Jean, was shot in the hand at a political rally for Haitian presidential candidate, musician Michel Martelly last night. But he's okay! According to Wyclef's spokesperson, "He was shot in the hand last night. He was released from the hospital. He's fine now. It happened late yesterday night and he was released after a couple hours." She added that the bullet "just grazed his hand."

With a backlash brewing against the incessant media coverage of Charlie Sheen's breakdown, Sheen has made an uncannily savvy move: He's announced he's going to Haiti on a humanitarian mission with his buddy Sean Penn, who has practically been living there since the earthquake struck more than a year ago:

Former Libertarian congressman Bob Barr, who helped "manage" the impeachment of Bill Clinton, has found his life's calling: He's assisting murderous ex-Haitian dictator Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier in his bizarre return to the island, which Barr calls "a personal trip."

First, former dictator "Baby Doc" returned to Haiti, but was quickly detained. Now, ex-President Jean-Bertrand Aristide says he just wants to return as a "simple citizen in the field of education," and because his eye doctor told him to. [NYT]

Former Haitian dictator Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier has been charged with corruption and embezzlement days after his return to Haiti.

Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier, the former Haitian dictator forced into exile in 1986, has returned to Haiti for the first time in 25 years. Why? No one knows. But it's probably totally innocent and non-sinister!

The Way We Live Now: reflecting on the long-term implications of our situation. And they ain't good. They just ain't. There's no getting around it. The currency's not bouncing back. The wages are down for good. And Haiti's fucked forever.

Jet-setter Sarah Palin just can't stop scheduling overseas trips. She'll go to England and Israel in the new year, but first, she's heading to Haiti with Franklin Graham's Christian charity group, amidst scary post-election violence.

That cholera epidemic sweeping Haiti? Probably the fault of U.N. peacekeepers.

Wyclef Jean's new EP is out today, and the Guardian caught up with him. He sometimes speaks in the third person, and knows he's the man: "Fans on Twitter call me the modern-day Fela or Marley or Dylan, you know."