Mayor Bill de Blasio defended his late arrival to a plane crash memorial service today, telling reporters he really couldn't be blamed because he was feeling "sluggish" this morning.

Like a giant trying to hold a human baby, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio and his big, dumb hands dropped a helpless groundhog on February 2 (Groundhog's day). The poor hog died of internal injuries, and "then the coverup began," according to this New York Post exclusive.

Mayor Bill has doomed us all to another four years of Soviet winter with his mishandling of Staten Island Chuck, and Phil, the Punxsatawney stalwart, confirms winter will continue for at least another six weeks.