We know what's wrong with Veteran's Day. We know this country is crawling with jobless, homeless veterans of America's constant occupations and invasions. We know there aren't enough jobs for these people already burdened with so much, and no labor market demand for the "skill set" of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and existential dread. And yet they went out there and committed whatever insanity they were commanded to commit, in the name of America, even if it never mattered to 99% of Americans one way or the other. Instead of the usual Veteran's Day garbage of saying "uhh ... sorry" to those who suffered for empire, how about giving the veterans the only thing that can hold them together: a mission.

If the grim news about our slow-cooking world has got you down, you might be an environmentalist. Recycling bins, hiking boots, and that reusable grocery bag you got at the farmer's market are other signs that you may have ecological beliefs and concerns. To the industrial propagandists, even your awareness of the hotter temperatures and horrific storms is proof that your green behavior is actually a religion. So what would happen if 10 million or 50 million religious environmentalists suddenly appeared on the national scene?

Gorillas are so much like us! Not in the sense that they're magical creatures filled with empathy and understanding or whatever; in the sense that the ones who live in the U.S. are fat-asses dying of heart disease who love to throw up eat their own vomit in order "to taste sugar again and again." Really! Heart disease is the number-one killer among the type of gorillas that live in the U.S., and zoo gorillas really do barf up their meals and eat them again, apparently four times an hour on average—even though their diet consists entirely of totally delicious-looking, definitely healthy and not-at-all gross red vitamin biscuits!

The Environmental Working Group, a public health nonprofit, has created a list of the fruits and vegetables most contaminated by pesticides according to the government's produce pesticide reports. Do you like peaches? Than you may not want to keep reading.

Do you and your mate joust over who is the best environmental person? Have both you and your mate grown so holier-than-thou that you are unable to function in a capacity other than "scold?" Do you find that everyone seems to despise you, including your mate, and your parents, and total strangers who read about you in a NYT trend story? Then you just might be this couple:

Literally dozens of menacing long-haired young people have set up eco-camps around London's Heathrow airport, claiming that airplanes are bad for children and other living things and that you can't hug a child with a nuclear airplane and what if British Airways had to hold a bake sale and all the schools got free upgrades to first class? Apparently these youth believe that airplanes are a significant cause of so-called "global warming" and that nobody should fly in them—that we should all just hop around on giant toadstools and live off the magical power of the wind. The protesters, all of whom are out-of-country millionaires due to the insane value of the English pound, expect to be visited over the next week by green-sympathizers like Bono, Jann Wenner and Graydon Carter, each of whom will arrive in his own private jet.