This weekend, I caught up on a movie I had been meaning to see because it’s about a shark, was directed by Jaume Collet-Serra (who directed one of my favorite trashy movies of the 21st century, Orphan), is certified “fresh” on Rotten Tomatoes, and came recommended by people whose opinions I trust. A scrappy little B-movie that, after just two weekends in theaters, has already grossed about $20 million more than its $17 million budget, The Shallows is a single-setting thriller along the lines of 127 Hours, The Ruins, Frozen (the ski-lift one, not the Disney one whose songs continue to fill our ears and haunt our lives), and Buried (which starred Ryan Reynolds, the husband of Shallows star Blake Lively). More than anything, though, The Shallows is a giant crock of shit.

Deep Blue is one of the largest great whites ever caught on film, with an estimated length of 20 feet. That’s funny because she looks at least 5,000 feet long to me. In the gif above, she’s like, “Hey guys, my head is literally the size of your body lol.”

For those of us shown Jaws at a too-young age, this is pretty much a worst case scenario: a thirteen foot, 1,600 pound Great White Shark washed up on a New England beach Saturday morning. Fishmerman Gary Severa discovered the wretched sea beast early Saturday on a beach near the Rhode Island – Massachusetts border.

Great white sharks are the largest, scariest predators in the sea. But they should stay in the sea. One shark didn't last week, and decided to see what it was like on a research boat.