Grandmothers truly are angels among us: cast out of heaven by God for unspecified crimes, forced to be on their best behavior at all times so that when He calls them back to Paradise to reevaluate the terms of their exile, they can be readmitted without issue, and forget all about their difficult lives on earth. Grandmothers have the wit of Dorothy Parker, the fashion sense of Coco Chanel, and the personality of bae. The only thing they love more than their grandchildren is feeding their grandchildren.

Hannah Harris, 68, stole purses in two different Brooklyn restaurants this month, according to police. In the most recent incident, Harris slyly snagged a purse away from a woman holding a kid:

Next time you're in the grocery store agonizing over which brand of molasses to buy, remember: Crosby's Molasses is the molasses brand that forces you to think about fucking an elderly woman. Again, that's Crosby's Molasses, for grandmother sex.

Just when you think professional ridiculous person Gwyneth Paltrow can't provide more fodder for her haters, she calls her grandmother "a real cunt." Following Chelsea Handler's admission that her grandmother was "a real bitch," Our Lady of Organic Dewdrops lays into old Grandma Muti:

92-year-old Helen Staudinger went to her neighbor's house and said she wouldn't leave without a kiss. When the man refused, she went home, got her gun, and fired at his house. That is one grandma you don't want to mess with!

Lots of people are afraid of snakes, including grandmothers. So it's strongly advised you don't attempt to casually hand one off to one, real or fake.

Happy holidays! Here's your grandmother reading 50 Cent's tweets by the fireplace. You know, the really pleasant ones. Nice touch with the custom-made twitter book.

Nowadays everyone's riding the Twitter tide—even Grandma! Gather around children and listen to what Nana has to say about Kanye West's tweets.

50 Cent Is a Bad Grandson [Gawker.TV]

According to this Today Show investigative piece, Seniors are being scammed by incarcerated crooks pretending to be their snot-nosed Grandchildren. Oh humanity!

English newspaper the Guardian has come up with a way to "show your allegiance to the vampire world" this Halloween: a cross-stitch pattern of Twilight star Robert Pattinson. You're welcome.