Who will the Republicans choose to run for Ted Kennedy's seat in Massachusetts? Probably an ex-porn model named Scott Brown. Here he is, naked, posing for Cosmo in 1982, when male body hair was still cool, thanks to Burt Reynolds.

Pudgy philandering futurist Newt Gingrich has always opposed brown people and their filthy ghetto language, Spanish. Which is why he's launching a Spanish-language political web site, because he might as well try to make some money off these dirty people.

The Republican party wouldn't be living up to its obstructionist reputation if they didn't offer a rebuttal to Obama's health care speech before Congress tomorrow. But rather than letting Bobby Jindal create another PR disaster, they're trotting out a doctor!

Unalloyed xenophobic rage presents a challenge similar to one posed by habitual lying—just as it's hard to keep up with one's own falsehoods, it's difficult to remember whether shouting "Heil Hitler!" at a Jew is good or bad.

The Secret Service detained a man at a Maryland town hall yesterday carrying a sign reading, "'Death To Obama, Death To Michelle And Her Two Stupid Kids." Why don't Republicans at least say, "Don't threaten to kill the president"?

MSNBC just aired video of a man with a pistol strapped to his leg waiting for Barack Obama to arrive at a townhall in New Hampshire.

Fox News posted an astonishing 50% jump in profit last quarter amid a disastrous advertising recession, and it's basically the only thing making money in Rupert Murdoch's empire. Why? Because the GOP has cratered.

George Allen, the Republican senator from Virginia who thought he could be president before hurling French racial epithets at dark-skinned people and attempting to hide his shameful Jewish ancestry, is writing a book called The Triumph of Character.

So the Republicans are going on the offensive against Barack Obama with a lame web ad harking back to an awesome campaign ad a Democratic president made successfully painting his Republican opponent as a dangerous, unhinged warmonger. Yay!

With RNC chairman Michael Steele already a laughingstock inside the Beltway, he seems determined to cement that reputation nationwide. Techies will roll their eyes over a proposal Steele sent out for a new GOP website.

The famously frumpy former CEO of eBay, Meg Whitman, is veering closer to entering California's governor 2010 race, quitting the boards of Procter & Gamble, eBay, and Dreamworks Animation SKG.

A campaign official for Virginia's Lieutenant Governor cancelled an order for 150 tourist guides on Minneapolis-St. Paul when she discovered they included a section on gay and lesbian nightclubs. "'Having a section dedicated solely to GLBT will be a BIG problem for many of our folks. We simply can't hand them out,' wrote the aide, Melissa Busse, in an email to the guidebook publisher, Rake Publishing." However, all those God-fearing Republicans stumbling into town had Twin City's gay clubs overflowing with out-of-towners.

Who's the Bigger Celebrity Now? The Hollywood Reporter sends word that John McCain's nomination acceptance speech broadcast from the GOP Convention was the most-watched acceptance address in history, surpassing Barack Obama's Aug. 28 speech by 500,000 viewers: 38.9 million to 38.4 million. The Republicans had more than wind in their sails, though; momentum from Sarah Palin's blockbuster appearance Wednesday night worked together with a lead-in from the NFL season opener, which mainlined more than 13 million viewers straight into McCain's convention-closing remarks on NBC. Fun fact: The speech outdrew George W. Bush's 2004 appearance by a nearly 2-to-1 margin. The GOP is a hit! Still! [THR Feed]

So what if Hurricane Gustav displaces thousands, destroys their homes, and further devastates an already devastated region of these United States? Filmmaker Michael Moore sees a silver lining around the eerily quiet eye of the disastrous storm: It will screw-up the Republican National Convention. Already, John McCain is saying his party might have to postpone the Convention. And Moore couldn't be more tickled. He told MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, "I was just thinking, this Gustav is proof that there is a God in heaven. To just have it planned at the same time, that it would actually be on its way to New Orleans for Day One of the Republican convention, up in the Twin Cities, at the top of the Mississippi River."

With thousands of "Family Values"-type conservatives descending on St. Paul, Minnesota, for the Republican National convention, area locals-who are largely Democratic, progressive and, yes, gay-are being asked to do their best to make the visiting Right Wingers feel more at home in a series of fun commercials which urge, "The Republicans Are Coming... Make An Effort." One example after the jump.

For every Steven Spielberg flinging a Democratic National Convention short film out the limo window on his way to his cabin retreat in the Rockies, we're learning there are a few dozen other filmmakers scavenging the floor of the convention hall with cameras and about two hours' sleep. Such is the spirit of democracy (or something — don't ask) fueling the makers of Convention, who have seemingly been everywhere at once this week trailing delegates, pols and pundits alike. And they're not the only ones winding down their routines tonight as Barack Obama's speech closes the event; Mayor of the Sunset Strip director George Hickenlooper is hanging around with his cousin, Denver mayor John Hickenlooper, and Amy Rice and Alicia Sams are neck-deep in their top-secret, Ed Norton-backed documentary following the Obama campaign. We hope they enjoyed the goodwill, because we're also hearing that the folks overseeing next week's GOP Convention in Minneapolis may do things a little differently:

Why are the Republicans hiring, and then suspending, the likes of "consultants" Soren Dayton? Because they're desperate to catch up to the Democrats when it comes to building candidate support online, and will pay anyone armed with buzzwords, apparently. When lovable nutjob Ron Paul can pull a bigger audience of Web supporters than someone who might actually win the ticket, your party has problems. Don't worry, GOP! Valleywag is here to help with a handy guide on how to game social networks for political advantage without getting caught.

The Republican National Convention has released a press release touting Google as the "Official Innovation Provider" to the 2008 Convention. Google will "enhance the GOP's online presence with new applications, search tools, and interactive video. In addition, Google will help generate buzz and excitement in advance of the convention through its proven online marketing techniques." I can only imagine the childlike joy that Google will bring to delegates.

CONFONZ — Waaaaaaaaaaaay down at the bottom of a San jose Mercury news story on from Tuesday mentioned that Wonkette's favorite Walnuts! candidate, John McCain is visiting Google today. A shiny new dime to the first person to point us at the photos. A shiny new quarter to the first person to paste up some McCain search queries! After the jump, we lead you on with a photo of Mitt Romney, Steve Jurvetson, of Draper Fisher Jurvetson, and Meg Whitman of EBay.

NY Times files a scattershot report on liberal blogs 'Google bombing' GOP candidates for the upcoming elections. Reporter Tom Zeller Jr. does piss poor job explaining to readers what Google bombing is and why liberal blog myDD.com (my Direct Democracy) is guilty of gaming the search engine's algorythm.