[Tiger Woods plays with his balls and all sorts of other double entendres during the first round of The Masters today in Augusta, Georgia. Image via Getty]

You know that new Tiger Woods Nike commercial, in which his father chastises him? Well, it's already been mashed up with Tom Cruise's famous "Tame the cunt... respect the cock!" speech from Magnolia—and it's way better. Video inside.

Tiger Woods just held his first "real" press conference since the lady-fucking scandal broke. He is happy to be back and playing golf! But wait, a porn star says he is a "big fat liar." Exciting day in golf news!

Tiger Woods was looking at the correct end of a golf club today, on a practice round for the US Masters at Augusta, for the first time since he was outed as a serial cheat. The media circus went along.

There is apparently no one left in the world that likes Tiger Woods. Even his kindergarten teacher is outraged at (allegedly) false tales he's been telling of racism on his first day in her class. She wants an apology.

The pompadour-with-legs counts the scandal-plagued golfer as a good friend, and now defends him, saying "I really think that there's tremendous ­pressure you wouldn't understand from the world of golf." Yes, all that pleasant walking. Plus: balls, holes. Y'know. [NYDN]

Human potato Andrew Giuliani, estranged son of America's Mayor Rudy, sued Duke university for kicking him off the golf team. Sad news, patriots: his lawsuit has been dismissed.

We're sure you have been losing sleep over the plight of golf apparel and equipment retailers — what with Tiger Woods gone from the game, they've struggled to sell dull guys with fat asses the same quantities of golfcrap. But fear not! He 'retired' for the down season in golfcrap sales anyway! His probable return at the US Masters in Augusta next month is perfectly timed to boost sales of sweatervests designed to accentuate mantits! [NYT]

South Park premiered its 14th season tonight and opened with a graphic reenactment of the confrontation between Tiger Woods and his wife, Elin, last Thanksgiving that started it all. Oh, yeah: turns out the reenactment was a video game!

In your indecent Thursday media column: golf writers assaulted by Twitter, Pinch Sulzberger has a theory, Barack Obama look suspicious, and the headline of the day.

Tiger Woods spent 14 minutes this morning apologizing for, it seemed, practically everything he's ever done. He may have just made things worse.

Are you ready for the Most Important Public Apology By a Famous Golfer Of All Time? It starts at 11 and we'll be streaming and live blogging it.

The Way We Live Now: Blaming the victim. People, stop! It's crazy! We know you're angry about your unemployment and poverty and endless coupon-clipping. But golf-happy bankers are not the enemy!

The WSJ takes a shot today at the story of Tiger Woods' clandestine deal to appear in Men's Fitness in exchange for the National Enquirer keeping his affair quiet. AMI, Tiger Woods, and News Corp all look ridiculous now.

Which also happens to be funny and peppered with profanity. As long as Tiger Woods remains quiet and stays out of the public eye, we're going to have to leave it up to artistic interpretation to give us the story.

Tiger Woods isn't taking our advice: "I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people... After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf." [TigerWoods.com]

Today's big news about Tiger Woods, besides 14 new hookers coming forward: His wife wants him to quit golf! According to a probably made-up UK tabloid story. But it raises the larger point: Why is golf so sexist? And dumb?

The words "golf" and "urban" have never been and never will be a good combination. The same goes for "ghetto sweatervest" and "thug croquet."

It might appear that Tiger Woods has lots of problems these days, but in fact he only has one problem: He is a boring, boring man who finds himself in a non-boring situation. We know how to solve this.

When it comes to golf, Andrew Giuliani is no Tiger Woods, clearly. The son of the former mayor, who has said he plans to pursue a career as a professional golfer (and who appears to have inherited his dad's fashion sense), was bounced out of a competition sponsored by the Golf Channel yesterday. At least his father should be able to give him some wise counsel on how to deal with the agony of defeat, right? [NYP]