If you're attractive and/or a girl, this doesn't apply to you. But the rest you, meaning those who poop, listen up: Your pooping technique is incorrect, a groundbreaking story reveals. You've been sitting on toilets, which gives you diseases.

A tipster tells us that the Associated Press building on 33rd street (AP Digital) is undergoing some maintenance, so the water will be turned off all day. This means that employees must pee outside. Well, in Port-a-Potties. Out "by the loading docks." What inglorious injustice will Journalism suffer next?