Andrea Peyser is but a simple tabloid sex columnist. But she knows one thing: well, she doesn't know what she "knows," because that would be an epistemological question (epistemology=bad). But she's against filling kids' minds with trash like "thoughts."

God has been terribly angry over the last 24 hours, lightning-wise. First He destroyed his son, the Giant Jesus of Ohio. Now another lightning bolt has "struck the ship capturing oil from [the] blown-out BP well." C'mon, God. [AP]

There may be a sinister reason behind President Obama's ambivalence toward the oil spill: He is the anti-Christ and the Gulf disaster is the closing act in his quest for your soul. The Rapture draws nigh!

In 1985, only 55% of women having premarital sex the first time used a contraceptive. Thanks for helping to spawn a large Gawker readership 25 years later, unintentional moms! Nowadays, Americans send a new message with their fucking: Fuck God.

The Pope pretty much endorsed the Shroud of Turin as Jesus' blanket, saying it "totally corresponds to what the Gospels tell of Jesus." But The Pope also believes this "Jesus" fella rose from the dead, so, grain of salt. [Reuters]

A year-old, incorrect story about Barack Obama "canceling" the National Day of Prayer made the rounds today. Meanwhile, in reality, Obama's Justice Department was defending the Day of Prayer to a U.S. District Court that just ruled it unconstitutional.

The cops arrested someone for threatening Eric Cantor over the weekend, proving him right about everything. Here is the threatening man demanding that the film Babe be removed from video stores, because he is God, and Lucifer was a pig.

Did you know that the tragic death of SeaWorld trainer Dawn Brancheau was a direct result of ignoring the Scripture? Allow American Family Association Director of "Issue Analysis" Bryan Fischer to explain.

Did the Founding Fathers intend for America to be a Christian nation? No.

Someone, who we would venture to suggest is a genius, has been calling in to Christian TV stations to tell them about a spiritual journey from West Philadelphia, where he was born and raised, via Bel Air, to God.

Divine Florida Gators quarterback and bona-fide Christian soldier Tim Tebow has everyone riled up about his upcoming anti-abortion Super Bowl ad. The arguing's unnecessary. You're only hurting yourself, Timmy. America's not ready for a Jesus Freak Superstar.

Well, this is something. "Pray 4 Trig" is organizing a "worldwide day of prayer to heal Trig Palin" of his Down syndrome. They are making some point about biblical literalism and also being tremendous dicks. [via Alaska Dispatch]

How is the American economy supposed to limp its way back towards some pitiful semblance of prosperity when every time a city has a nice space that would be perfect for a cash-earning business, woops, a church just stole it?

What is this we spy with our jaded eye? It is a new Mark Penn patented Microtrend column. We have not forgotten you, Mark Penn, you shady, shady character! Today, Mark Penn explains why god is dumb.

War on Christmas Central: The New York City arts scene. Gays, pervs, race-mixers. Jesus Christ.

"For Christ's Sake," ha: Secular Thanksgiving is over, which means it's time for the Atheist War on Christmas to begin anew.

The deadly Mexican Pig Flu's dirtiest deed yet: Coming between you and the literal body and blood of Christ. You will pay dearly for this, heathen microbe.

On Fox's Romper Room and Friends this morning, Glenn Beck said we should all probably save the nation with the power of prayer.

The C Street townhouse of "The Family," the secretive cult of Christian congressmembers, is a den of sin. John Ensign lived there. Mark Sanford sought counsel there. Now we learn a former congressman carried on an affair while living there!

Since Michael Jackson died you've probably lost sleep wondering, "I wonder what he'd have looked if he hadn't f-ed himself all up with plastic surgery?" Well now, thanks to the work of some forensic artists, you can know.