A sex tape is such an obvious beat in the narrative arc of Tila Tequila—sexxxy internet celebrity and MTV reality queen—that it's barely news. Actually, it seems like the most posed "sex" tape we've ever seen.

First things first: Yes, the accompanying new teaser for Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona, features about two seconds of Penélope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson kissing. Everyone else is kissing as well: Cruz on Javier Bardem, Bardem on Johansson, so on, so forth. It's apparently the only thing happening in the film, as no sound emerges from peoples mouths when they speak, and no discernible plot line emerges in a minute and a half. We won't spoil the ending, but... Actually we will spoil the ending: Cruz fires a gun at you, the viewer. And as you try to position your head in front of the bullet, you've never felt more grateful. Thanks again for nothing, Weinstein Company. [YouTube]

Reports today confirm that Natalie Portman will join would-be sexy nurse Scarlett Johansson as a first-time director in the short-film compilation New York, I Love You. First known as the movie where that Hasidic dude walked out on co-star Portman, then better known as the one where contributing director Anthony Minghella hand-picked replacement Shekhar Kapur before he died, NYILY is finding its latest momentum as the film featuring everyone from Brett Ratner to Orlando Bloom to Cloris Leachman pimping out for the city tourism board. "NYC & Co., the official marketing and tourism organization for the City of New York, is fully behind the pic, throwing its weight into sponsorship deals," writes Variety's Dade Hayes. "A major airline is in final talks to help ferry talent to and from the city and promote the film on its aircraft, for example." The producers, however, cite an "explicit auteur approach" that will keep the art front-and-center, promising Johansson the latitude to fire a maximum of 10 PA's as she learns to flex her megalomaniacal muscle behind the camera. [Variety]

At 6:30 this morning a camera crew was—for whatever reason—filming the guy who sells papers outside of our subway stop. Your correspondent, whose aversion to appearing on camera is as deep-seated as it is pathologically ridiculous, somehow braved the fear of the lens to plunk down a quarter for the Post, at which point he was advised by the vendor that the price was now 50 cents. For the record, we broke a dollar to pick up the paper, but be advised: Rupert Murdoch's people are out there, and they're rolling film. Be wary, friends.