In theory, cat people are easy to please. Just slap a wretched meowing illustration on a canvas tote bag and—voila—you have a present for your local cat freak. Buy them a kitten calendar and be assured they will secretly pet it everyday on the way out the door. Order a "humorous" catnip party-pack and receive the polite chuckle an herbal blend called Cat-Astrophy deserves.

The holidays couldn't come sooner for the nation's Republicans, who just suffered a devastating repudiation of everything they hold dear and are in the process of confronting the fact that the America they loved so much is now mostly brown and gay. What can you get them to cheer them up and help them along the inevitable journey to socialism?