Supermodel Naomi Campbell and actresses Mia Farrow and Carol White can be subpoenaed in the trial of former Liberian president Charles Taylor, The Hague ruled today. We hope that whoever has to serve Naomi papers wears adequate protection.

In your illiterate Wednesday media column: Joe Klein fails reading comprehension, Gerald Posner does the Gerald Posner thing again, Photoshop model disclosure in Australia, a Conde-Hearst talent war foreshadowed, and Playboy grows ever less sexy.

Delightfully insane congresswoman Michele Bachmann has found more incontrovertible proof that Barack Obama is the Worst President of All Time: he is creating a so-called "global economy" where countries are "bound" to each other, economically. Who will stop this madman?

Foursquare just took a $20 million venture investment that valued the social network at $95 million. Congratulations, preening "mayors:" Your obsessive "checking in" with Foursquare's mobile software has been successfully monetized.

New York City opened its public pools today to help residents cope with the record heat wave. Too bad they'll be full of squealing children. Here are some other more peaceful but equally cool ways to beat the heat.

Nathan's annual Hot Dog Eating Contest takes place on July 4th. With all the speculation about the contestants, let's get one thing clear: Competitive eating is not a sport. Here are some other activities that should stop pretending they're athletics.

Heteroflexible asscrack-waxer Christopher Hitchens has suspended his Hitch-22 book tour for "personal reasons," coinciding with a shakily sourced report of him "leaving a plane on a stretcher." Hitch, you OK? We emailed, but have yet to hear back. [Politico]

Actress and huge-thumbed freak of nature Megan Fox married her boyfriend, 90210 actor Brian Austin Green, in a secret ceremony in Hawaii last week. A source told Star: "They're now celebrating their honeymoon," probably by playing pinochle or something. [Star]

[Afghan women walk near Darul Aman Palace in Kabul, Afghanistan. The 1920s-era palace, heavily damaged throughout the century, is a possible location for a house of parliament. Or haunted house! They should set up a haunted house. Pic via Getty]

Forbes just came out with its annual list of the 100 "most powerful" celebrities, which also serves as a yearly reminder of how much life sucks for the rest of us. So, who made the cut?

General Stanley McChrystal, who headed the war in Afghanistan until disparaging comments about his bosses came to light in an article last week, will retire. Let's pitch in and get him a Rolling Stone subscription as a going-away gift! [Reuters]

[Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan shot Sen. John Kerry the death stare today when he gave America's nakedest Senator Scott Brown a flirty squeeze during her first day of confirmation hearings. Photo via Getty Images.]

The G-20 is when the world's economic leaders meet to talk trade. It's also prom to the international protest set. Anarchists, hippies, gutter punks: Everyone's invited, and it's your big chance to get photographed and get laid change the world.

With the boom in shows about real-life families, a discussion has sprung up about whether reality TV programs should abide by the same laws that govern child acting. But who will save them from their parents?

Takeru Kobayashi's reign as the world's most celebrated eater of hot dogs has ended. "The Tsunami" lost his world record three years ago, and now he has purposefully undermined his competitive eating contract negotiations. An excuse to eat no more?

Hard-hit NBC has another hurdle ahead: Steve Carell is signing off from hit sitcom The Office after the upcoming season, his seventh. Knowing NBC, the network will greenlight one more disastrous year without him before ultimately canceling the show.

[Our favorite 16-year-old shock rocker literalizes her stripper look with lucite heels with slots for money. Maybe Taylor is a creative talent after all, skilled at the art of making mothers cry? Images via Pacific Coast News & Getty.]

With The Hills airing its final season, rumors are swirling that the show's NYC cousin, The City, has been canceled. Is this the end of the Whitney Port/Olivia Palermo vehicle? We've contacted MTV for comment and are awaiting a response.

Courtney Love has made a late career out of being an incoherent mess, but it sounds like she turned up the crazy to 11 at a concert she gave last night in Washington D.C. Damn, I wish I was there.

Because Diandra Douglas, who divorced Michael Douglas in 2000, was awarded half of all the money the star makes off movies he made during their union, she thinks she is owed some scratch for the Wall Street sequel. Good luck!