You always knew deep down that one day you would be best friends with the cast of Happy Endings. You were positive. Well guess what, you can't and you won't be friends with them because they already know they don't like you.

A non-story has emerged as a result of Andy Cohen referring to a members of the boy band One Direction as "twinks," a term used primarily by gay men to describe other boyish, usually young, usually gay men. The band and the Bravo host/exec who's addicted to telling everyone how talkative he is were both on Today yesterday and he tweeted this regarding his initial encounter:

A Gawker reader pointed out yesterday that the intricacies of the Petraeus Love Pentagon are bordering on high school gossip-level insane. Since then, it's only gotten more intricate and insane. Here, we've brought in A High School Girl to break down the drama for you.

We have now reached the stage in the Ariel Winter Emancipation Saga when squabbling begins about what exactly Winter's Modern Family coworkers knew of her allegedly abusive relationship with her mother.

Few would disagree that the most interesting thing about visioneer, blogger, and actor James Franco is that he hates Gawker.

Since it was released last Friday, critics have been losing their damn minds over Steven Spielberg's Abraham Lincoln biopic, Linkin'. In particular, notorious method actor Daniel Day-Lewis has earned raves for his turn as the President.

Speaking out for the first time since allegedly quitting girlfriend Selena Gomez to date Victoria's Secret model Barbara Palvin, cult leader Justin Bieber expressed a certain existential malaise in the wake of his first serious breakup.

OK, fess up now. Which one of you started the Ashley-Judd-for-Senator rumor? I'm not mad, I just want to nip this one in the bud before to leads to dashed hopes and hurt feelings and Judd taking a year away from acting.

Every year, millions of Americans forget what is Sexy.

David Petraeus, the national-security golden-boy who rose from commander of CENTCOM to head of the CIA (and was often mentioned as a potential future GOP presidential candidate), has reportedly resigned, citing an extramarital affair.

The New York offices of both the New York Civil Liberties Union and the American Civil Liberties Union are located in the financial district. Their building on Broad Street was decimated by Sandy's storm surge and their offices likely won't be open for the foreseeable future. They could use your help.

Us Weekly does not wish to alarm Taylor Swift, but let's just say she better get used to requesting "Table for one, please," because she will definitely be alone for ever.

Peggy Noonan, whose uniquely airy style of kindergarten-reading-level prose works upon the political chattering classes (but no one else) like a snake charmer's flute works on a cobra, wrote one of the most vapid, scoff-worthy, fact-free columns of the pre-election news cycle, in which she predicted that Mitt Romney would win because she'd been seeing a lot of his yard signs around, lately. Well, now comes the post-election follow-up: Peggy Noonan is resigning from her job as a WSJ columnist, in acknowledgement of the unavoidable fact that she is an embarrassment to her profession.

Speaking with CBS News today, several unnamed aides and advisers to Mitt Romney said the presidential candidate knew he was headed for a loss as soon as the polls closed, but was stunned by the outcome nonetheless.

A 20-year-old mother in Kenya who gave birth to twin boys on the day of the U.S. Presidential election has named her sons Barack and Mitt, after the United States president and a model of a robot briefly manufactured in the 1940s as a companion for lonely children.

This week in butthurtery: Longtime friend of Gawker Eric Dondero of the Libertarian Republic thinks that, in the wake of another victory for President Obama, it's "time to tell any Democrats you know to fuck off and die."

Because America is finally allowed to have nice things again, this is happening:

Noted bloggist B-Skillet over at the Christian Men's Defense Network has taken a few moments away from guarding the perimeter of the last flagging Christian outpost from the Yuuzhan Vong invasion to explain exactly how Mitt Romney (apparently some kind of erstwhile candidate for political office) could have lost. B-Skillet blames "the Slut Vote" (Skillet has since put his WordPress on private; you can see Google's cache here):

TMZ is reporting that one of the teenage stars of Modern Family, Ariel Winter, was removed from her home by court order last month, amid allegations of parental abuse by her mother.

Janna Ryan's husband Paul didn't get the big promotion he was after last night, and boy did it show on her face; she looked like the most miserable person in the world when she went up to hug Ann and Mitt on stage after Romney conceded the race.