Shorter Bret Stephens: You college brats are all lefty molly-coddled pissants. Now, please hire me to do more commencement speeches! Wah wah wahhh, Bret. Wah wah wahhhh.

The National Review's Jonah Goldberg thinks recent advancements in the cause of gay rights are ironic, since serving in the military and getting married are normal, whereas gays are freaky and wear ballgags all the time. Joke's on you, gays!

Keith Olbermann's hour-long, uninterrupted, endless "Special Comment" last night was actually called "The Fight Against Death." You will lose that fight, Keith. We all will.