I am a big magazine boy with many important things to say about the Samsung Galaxy S7 smartphone, but the most important thing you should know about me is this: I have done Bad Things.

Fitness measurement gadget maker Fitbit has surged a full 50% in its stock market debut today, meaning Fitbit is now a $6 billion company that, ideally, would not exist.

Tomorrow is the big day when Apple announces its new "iPad 3." Or will it be called the "iPad HD?" Who gives a shit, really? Same gadget either way. Get a hobby.

Poietic Studio is a London firm that describes itself as "a multidisciplinary practice with backgrounds in interactive & spatial design, art & engineering." But after seeing this video of its new Floating Orchestra product—which lets you use your iPhone to conduct 19 levitating spheres, each its own instrument that increases in volume as it physically rises—I'm more inclined to say it's one hell of a badass invention company and just leave it at that. [via BuzzFeed]

Time for some new and intriguing demographic information! You people love this shit. You often dream of making over $100K and buying all the latest fancy technology, don't you? Well, stop it. Those people are miserable.

You know what probably no one in the world has ever thought, until this second? "I wish my cigarettes had social-networking capabilities." But the engine of innovation churns crazily on, so now there are social networking electronic cigarettes.

Wondering how you will kiss your significant other in the future? Well, you, specifically, will be alone for the rest of your life, but the rest of us will be frenching non-stop over the internet via this little gadget.

Don't you hate it when you're squirting out some ketchup or mayonnaise or whatever and you misfire, thereby spilling the flavorful gooeyness all over your table? If so, then this little condiment-wiping (scraping?) contraption will help! It'll also amaze you.

On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert remarked that he'd been depressed for the last few days. Why? It turns out that Colbert's upset that he has to wait *four more days* for the new iPad—he wants it now!

It had been a little while since 60 Minutes had graced us with a show-ending Andy Rooney segment, but tonight, everyone's favorite senile curmudgeon was back—and complaining about something, naturally. Tonight's victim? The confusing, evil, soul-destroying e-book!

Tonight brought us part three of the ultimate Jeopardy! challenge, with an IBM-created computer, Watson, battling all-time show favorites Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter. In the end, Our New Robot Overlord was victorious, taking home $1 million for "his" charities.

Here's a video of a guy playing StepMania, which is like Dance Dance Revolution for computers. Standard, right? Nope! Shortly after he starts, our future Anger Management student begins freaking out over his mistakes—that's when things get good.

On Super Bowl Sunday, consumers are bombarded with highly produced television advertisements. Many get lost in the shuffle. This ad for the Chevy Cruze, which offers real-time Facebook status updates via OnStar, stood out—for all the wrong reasons.

Meet Maru. No, not the famous cat—Maru the puppy (a Shiba Inu, actually). In this short, sweet, and inarguably adorable video, Maru watches a video of another dog on his owner's iPhone. It confuses him—quite a bit.

This week's Oprah Winfrey Show is being broadcast from Sydney, Australia! On today's episode, Winfrey—and special guest Jay-Z—surprised an entire school of boys (and their female teacher) with a $1 million gift of new laptops. The video, inside.

Tonight, Jon Stewart opened The Daily Show with a segment about today's Verizon iPhone announcement. He's excited about having Apple's golden product on a different network! Why? Well, because he may actually be able to make calls now. Watch inside.

Here's a video of the Heinz Automato ketchup-dispensing robot, which was built—we assume—for some sort of challenge. The goal? Dispense ketchup on six items in 30 seconds. How did the robot do? Uh... not so great. Watch inside.

You know that, "If a black cat crosses your path, it's bad luck" saying? Does it still apply if the cat—named Robocop, here—is busily engaged in a battle with a front-loading washing machine? Or is it just cute?

Do you have some kerosene, birthday candles and a water gun sitting around your house? Did you ever want to make your own flamethrower? Then watch this video to see how—with absolutely engulfing results! (Don't really do it.)

Uh, holy crap. That's all I have to say about this video, which depicts a concession stand worker using a machine to fill up cups of beer from the bottom. That's right—the beer comes in THROUGH THE BOTTOM.