The last time the economy collapsed, CNBC money-clown Jim Cramer basically said, "Don't panic! Buy Bear Stearns! What could go wrong?" That advice didn't work out so well for him. So this time, he's modulating.

As his congresswoman wife Michele continues to make progress in her terrifying death march toward Washington, Marcus Bachmann has become a focus of the ever-curious media, and the things we've found out about him have been a bit unsettling, like the fact that he runs one of those pray-the-gay-away facilities.

Republican media strategist Roger Ailes launched Fox News Channel in 1996, ostensibly as a "fair and balanced" counterpoint to what he regarded as the liberal establishment media. But according to a remarkable document buried deep within the Richard Nixon Presidential Library, the intellectual forerunner for Fox News was a nakedly partisan 1970 plot by Ailes and other Nixon aides to circumvent the "prejudices of network news" and deliver "pro-administration" stories to heartland television viewers.

About 10 percent of California's population is registered to carry a disabled parking placard, which enables them to park for free, forever, in designated spots. In a state where driving between rooms in your foreclosed house is standard, these placard thingies have become hot items, as you might imagine!

Botox Mom Kerry Campbell has released a sworn statement saying her attention-grabbing, Good Morning America-baiting scandal was a hoax!

Everyone thought that Jim Moats, a pastor in Newville, Pennsylvania, was a retired Navy SEAL and a Vietnam war hero. He had a plaque to that effect hanging in his office, and he wore the trident medal symbolizing SEAL membership. For a profile in yesterday's local paper, Moats told of being "waterboarded" by SEAL instructors, and of being busted down to a kitchen worker after getting in a fight. "I had almost no discipline. I was as wild as they came. That was my nemesis," Moats said. "They weren't looking for a guy who brags to everyone he is a SEAL. They wanted somebody who was ready but had an inner confidence and didn't have a braggadocio attitude."

Comb-forwarded reality TV star Donald Trump says a "high draft number" spared him deployment to Vietnam. Turns out five student and medical deferments also helped. Bonus fun fact: He has birthmarks on both heels! Sign of the Beast. [TSG]

Eliot Spitzer has found a new target. For much of the week Spitzer has been laser focused on revealing whether Donald Trump's finances are actually as good as he says they are.

Donald Trump is not nearly as generous with money as he is with opinions: Between 1990 and 2009 the aspiring presidential candidate gave only $3.7 million of his (purported) billions to his own charity.

Fox News has a super-exciting article today: "Exclusive: NASA Scientist claims Evidence of Alien Life on Meteorite." OMG, aliens exist! Except this NASA scientist has been claiming to have evidence of alien life on meteorites for years.

The New York Republican candidate for Senate, Joe DioGuardi was paid $5,000/month as an advisor to Medical Capital Corp—a subsidiary of Medical Capital Holdings, which blew $1 billion of investors' money on yachts and other crap. Nice.

Larry Wilcox — better known as Ponch's sidekick Jon from the 70's-80's cop show CHiPs — was caught in a sting operation by FBI agents and the Securities and Exchange Commission allegedly seeking kickbacks in exchange for penny-stock manipulation.

A terrifying cabal of elites is meeting this week in D.C. for the "Washington Ideas Festival," to discuss only the most important Ideas. So why was Ahmed Chalabi, the Iraqi liar who supplied false intelligence to the Bush administration, invited?

A trio of Japanese Lolitas crashed Tom Ford's fashion show by saying one of them was Japanese Vogue editor Mitsuko Watanabe. I mean, maybe if they said they were with Gwen Stefani—but confusing this with this?

That nun you gave money to in Little Italy the other day? Turns out, she's not a nun. And not only is she not a nun, she's raising money for a notorious cultish church founded by a rapist and murderer.

Ponzi schemer Ken Starr scammed celebrities and spent the money on his stripper wife. Now he claims Martin Scorsese owes him $600,000 in unpaid fees. You didn't expect Starr to scam you for free, did you, Scorsese? [The Wrap]

"Dining with Starr in the Grill Room at the Four Seasons in New York meant listening to him reel off bold-face names as fast as he guzzled Diet Cokes." And guess whose name he liked to drop...

Ken Starr, Bernie Madoff to the Stars! He's been charged with running a Ponzi scheme using money from celebrities. One of them is reported to be Uma Thurman. Dude, didn't you see Kill Bill? You're dead meat!

CNN built its iReport platform as a kind of YouTube for news: Readers report on their own news stories, which they can upload onto CNN.com. Now CNN is suing one of those iReporters for claiming he works for CNN.

Tinsley Mortimer appears with fellow reality stars Snooki, JWOWW, and Sammi in the new issue of Harper's Bazaar. The girls look surprisingly high fashion, but who is the Tinz to be telling them how to behave?