Oh Fox & Friends. The whimpering ferrets had Show-and-Tell today, and somebody (Gretchywetchy, was it you?) brought in their crazy uncle Glenn Beck. He wanted to warn the kids of one thing: Communism is coming. And it will destroy us.

Oh, Gretchywetchy. The Fox & Friends hostess earned some points yesterday, but now she's lost them all again. The bewigged legumes were discussing the $18 million Recovery.gov website today and Gretchen just didn't understand it. It's a double entendre, right??

To stave off dementia! Yes, today the befuddled screech owls on Fox & Friends were discussing a study that states that those that stay married fend off Alzheimer's and dementia better than lonely divorcees. Brian Kilmeade took issue with this.

Fox & Friends-apalooza continues. Today the billy goats were chewing their grass and talking about that Bruno movie and the high school controversy. Gretchen was actually cool about it, Doocy was a jerk, and Bri-Bri just thinks he smells bad.

Oh what did the cutest lil' morning newscasters get up to today? Well, we have everyone being awkward with celebrated skincare spokeslady, Vanessa L. Williams. She Botoxes!

So it's been a weird day. Things changing everywhere! But at least some things are constant: the gurgling sea cucumbers at Fox & Friends will never get it. Today's confusion? The case of the cardboard bear. Everyone was perplexed.

We know we've been laying it on a bit thick with the Fox & Friends gang of late, but, eh, what the fuck. OMG, today pseudo-Christy band Creed was on the show! And Kilmeade couldn't stop freaking out about it!

Finally, a nice story. Little outre news outlet Fox News—which dares to be balanced and fair amid a sea of bias—is set to have its best ratings year yet. Boy, Obama sure has energized the frothing, angry Right!

Oh, phew! The hole-in-the-head gang at Fox & Friends finally had a lucid and credible debate about an important topic. Abortion? No. Iran? Nah. The earth-shattering divorce of Jon & Kate Gosselin? Why yes, of course.

In our continuing series of portraits depicting the mental athletes at Fox & Friends trying to wrap their minds around things, we have today the fun-times gang trying to figure out those pesky Uighurs. Are they terrorists? No one knows.

The brain trust at Fox & Friends is often swatting at confusing things, trying in vain to figure them out, and today was no exception. The topic was that thing that's going on in Iran with the votes or whatever.

The good people of Fox & Friends (which ones are Fox and which ones are the friends?) are outraged that their vacations might be endangered by four innocent men recently freed from years of wrongful imprisonment!

Greg Gutfeld, Fox News's Red Eye host and self-declared enemy of Gawker commenters, has finally found a friend: coworker Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends. Roll the clip!

Greg Gutfeld, the constantly gay-panicked meathead host of Fox's late-night Red Eye show, is miffed that Fox & Friends anchor Steve Doocy won't answer his friend request.

Some days I wonder if Facebook would have been better off restricting its social network to college students, as it did when it first launched. Watching Steve Doocy, an anchor on "Fox & Friends," talk about updating his Facebook status in this clip confirms my opinion. His profile picture, which shows him "playing Santa," does nothing to reduce the skeevy-old-guy vibe. A tip to Doocy: When you're maxed out on friends, you can set up a Facebook fan page for your virtual acquaintances, saving the stalker-friendly details for people you actually know. And it requires no more egotism than was necessary to get the anchor chair in the first place.

Oh Fox & Friends, you so crazy! This morning the disastrous Fox News morning Gabberwocky turned its sad wrinkly visage upon dessicated singer Madonna's atomic divorce from film director Guy Ritchie and her crazy "Madonna's Reasons Why Not" list of rules for Ritchie's child visitation rights. And in the middle of it Steve Doocy said "breast" when he meant to say "blessed." And then human Flowbee Gretchen Carlson revealed that she knows the term "Freudian." Chuckling! We are chuckling! Watch the inane clip above.

You know, it would be a totally awesome Veteran's Day segment, says the bleary news producer, if we recreated that famous photo of the nurse kissing the sailor in Times Square. We think our ideas sound great when we're drunk, too. But soon, the painful truth sets in. This morning Fox & Friends decided to trot the actual nurse from the photo, Edith Shain, 90, in front of the cameras to kiss one of their interns wearing a paper sailor's cap. Witness the awkward Fox & Friends-intern-on-nanogenarian embrace after the jump.Shain's been through this before, however. Here she is with some actor-sailors from Broadway's South Pacific, recreating the kiss just a bit less awkwardly:

This may be the most unnecessarily awkward Fox & Friends interview ever. That Doocy guy or whatever says it's probably the "most offensive" ever, and Brad Garrett, the interviewee, seems to think it's the most hilarious. Basically the 'Til Death (that's a television show, I'm told) star starts pontificating strangely about Barack Obama, then hurls some nouveau Borscht Belt zingers out at the crew, then sort of incoherently makes fun of the show's makeup girl. Meanwhile the Fox robots don't get any of the jokes and just sort of stutter strangely and repeatedly call him offensive. I had to pause it and close my eyes really tight a few times. Political discourse! Clip, via Videogum, is after the jump.

Poseidon Adventure thespian Ernest Borgnine is 91 years old and hale and hearty and writing books. What's the secret to his vim and vigor, the bozos at Fox & Friends wanted to know. So Borgy leaned in close and whispered-apparently unaware of that newfangled "micro phonic" technology-"I masturbate a lot." Then everyone's heads exploded. Including Borgy's. (Do you get the gross joke that I just made?) Clip is above. [via BWE]