Usually flying United is a last resort; today it’s a total wash: the airline has reportedly grounded all flights across the United States because of a global computer “automation issue.”

On a flight from Nicaragua to Miami Sunday, a woman decided to test American Airlines' "no smoking" rule by lighting up on the plane. Even though everyone had seen her (and some of her fellow passengers were taking video), she tried to pin it on the guy sitting next to her. As in-flight annoyances go, smoking in an enclosed cabin is pretty bad—but that's just scratching the surface of what happened in this airborne waking nightmare.

Passengers were evacuated from an American Airlines flight at New York's JFK airport Sunday morning as police investigate a bomb threat onboard.

A drunken passenger attempted to break into the cockpit of a Virgin Australia flight from Australia to Indonesia on Friday, causing the pilot to issue a hijack alert.

An Air France flight that was scheduled to fly from Caracas to Paris was grounded Saturday after a reported terror threat.

It's 2012 and The Federal Aviation Administration still doesn't allow electronic devices to be used during takeoff and landing. Of course, phones — the F.A.A.'s worst nightmare ever, aren't allowed to be used even when you're at the gate and your plane's not moving. Just ask Alec Baldwin about that. This is the dumbest rule ever.

Reports from Twitter say that Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight to from LA just a few minutes ago. Details are sparse.

Well, so much for that: Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian man who tried to blow up his underpants on a flight to Detroit on Christmas 2009, pleaded guilty to all charges today, just as his trial was getting underway.

It wouldn't be August without a monster attack, so we're going to try to invent one. Just what is this flying beast attacking passengers on a flight from Madison, Wisconsin, to Atlanta? No one knows!

A passenger was removed from a Boston-to-Washington flight today. His carry-on luggage was "allegedly making odd noises." Uh.

Flight-ditching flight attendant Steven Slater is sharing his advice on how to behave like a civilized adult while traveling: "We're more likely to dote on refined customers than we are the T-shirt and flip-flop crowd." Can't argue with that.

Flying is the worst. Unless you happen to be on the same Minneapolis-New York flight as rapper Kanye West, in which case he will perform a short a cappella version of his 2005 hit "Gold Digger." Over the flight intercom.

Some idiot lit a match on an LA-bound American Airlines flight, which was then diverted to New Mexico.

On a Monday night flight from Atlanta, some spoiled meat in a carry-on bag in an overhead compartment showered maggots on passengers, thus forcing the plane to return to the gate. No wonder flights need more cocktails.

Bruce Beresford-Redman, a former producer of Survivor and Pimp My Ride, has left Mexico for his home in California while his wife's murder investigation continues in Cancun. He is still considered to be a suspect in her death. [AP, pic]

It is a sad day when this is something to be celebrated — but five airlines have pledged not to follow the lead of Spirit, who now demand $45 for use of their overhead bins. [AP]

Volcanic ash from Iceland is significantly disrupting flights in and out of the UK.

A Jewish teenager tried to pray on a flight from New York to Kentucky. He pulled out small boxes containing holy scrolls. Everyone panicked, according to the AP:

One week ago, Dominic Carter was a well-respected stout political news anchor on NY1. Now he's just an unemployed dude who can't even get on a plane. Flight attendants now have far more power in New York than Dominic Carter.

Washington, DC PR man David Bass has a perfectly good explanation for why he was charged with a felony for disrupting a flight: He was all hopped up on Benadryl! He was awake traveling for five three days! He wanted wine!