Today marks the arrival of two new prescription drugs designed to help Americans lose weight. For hundreds of dollars per month, clinically obese Americans will be able to purchase cutting-edge chemistry that is less effective than just taking long walks sometimes.

The American College of Sports and Medicine released their annual ranking of the fifty largest metropolitan areas based on fitness and health, creating a baseline of the most athletic and fit cities in the U.S.

Gawker's least favorite exercise fad, SoulCycle, is opening shop in Williamsburg. "Hint, hint: If you've never been to Brooklyn, now might be a good time to check it out," says the press release. Ha. "Cross the bridge. Change your body. Find your SOUL!" continues the press release. Ha ha.

This past January, three intrepid Gawker employees traveled to around the corner from their office to try out New York's bougie new fitness craze: SoulCycle. What the experience lacked in comfort, it made up for in terror and also seeing Chelsea Clinton. Emboldened, last night two of them (the third is on a cruise eating hot dogs from a buffet), accepted an invitation to tackle a new fitness fad, this one favored by women of a certain age: Zumba.

Miss Hamilton Nolan's I of the Tiger? Head to Deadspin for the latest installment: 10 Supplements You Actually Need.

First, let us present the plain facts: there is a new study out, based on statistics gleaned from "time use diaries" filled out by women chronicling their own activity. Researchers found that American women today are spending only about half as much time doing housework—vacuuming, laundry, etc.—as they were 45 years ago. During the same period of time, the amount of time that women spent sitting down and watching a screen doubled. The conclusion, based in simple biological fact, as stated in the NYT in a story headlined "What Housework Has to Do With Waistlines:"

Today, the New York Times reports on Michael Olajide Jr., a former pro boxer who's now a personal trainer in the West Village. It seems his fitness classes are very popular with the fashionable set.

This brash young zoot-suiter Justin Bieber had better learn something more than baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby—he had better learn some respect. Respect for rules. Respect for society. Respect for propriety. Here a nice young man like Justin is, parading around without a shirt on, torso unclad as you please. We fear that one more promising young man has fallen prey to the lure of orgiastic fashion malefaction.

Spinlighenment fitness craze SoulCycle has swept New York and recently landed in the pages of New York magazine, in which writer Alex Morris described it like this:

Here now, a new study chronicled in the scientific journal The Daily Mail, which lays bare womankind's deepest, darkest, shiniest, most volumizing secret: some women are far more concerned about their hair than about their physique. Ladies. Ladies. You have it backwards.

The founder of Crossfit has won his battle to keep private equity out of Crossfit. Burpee vomit remains in Crossfit.

On occasion, our dormant fitness column, "I of the Tiger," will return to address vital physical issues of importance.

You should know better than to take fitness advice from the New York Times. The latest reason: their story today entitled, "Why Women Can't Do Pull-Ups." Women: you can do pull-ups. Do not believe the hype.

When necessary, our dormant fitness column, "I of the Tiger," will return in order to address urgent fitness issues which demand a timely reckoning. This is one of those times.

Science says: it doesn't matter how you run, just run fast. And wear some fucking shoes.

The vice presidential debates are tonight. We expect and assume that, as in most elections, the debates—and the subsequent election—will be decided primarily upon the basis of which candidate most fully embodies the wise teachings of Gawker Media fitness columns. Well, shut it down, Biden has won, no need to show up today, might as well stay home and moisturize, "SNOWFLAKE" Ryan.

There comes a time, in every man's life, when he's gotta handle shit up on his own. Can't depend on friends to help you in a squeeze. Please—they got problems of their own. These words are just as true now as they were minutes ago, when I stole them from a Pharcyde song.

I'll tell you something about a lot of people that just might surprise you: people can't figure things out. Sometimes I look at people like, "Man, you are just not right with that." People don't understand things much, is the problem. People don't know.

It seems damn hard to get in shape these days. First, Americans were devastated to learn that LapBandVip.com billboards would not turn them into fitness models; now, in another crushing blow to people who want to exercise in their living rooms with a bare minimum of effort and subsequently bear a strong resemblance to John Basedow, it seems the Ab Circle Pro is not the magical device that was promised.

Here at "I of the Tiger" Fitness Reportage Inc., we don't know much about "politics" or "economics" or "stealthy plans to decimate the social safety net while funneling untold sums to the rich." But we do know about fitness fads, exercise trends, and workout crapola. So when we heard that hokey-doke dreamboat Paul Ryan, Washington DC's most famous adherent of the P90X workout, could be the next VP, we immediately knew that it was time to exploit this fact for profit.