Author’s Note: This post was originally written in a state of residual intoxication on the morning of Saturday, June 13, 2015, shortly after a former Gawker editor promoted me to working nights—but failed to inform me that I had the weekend off. For this discourtesy I threatened him with bodily harm. Fortunately, a more level-headed co-worker (Brendan) talked me out of publishing the post. Unfortunately, the editor in question (along with the rest of the Gawker staff) later found and read the draft. Enjoy!