We don't mean to scare you, but there is a chance a satellite might fall from the sky, directly onto you this weekend. Oh, who are we kidding? We're definitely trying to freak you out.

The Scottish government recently imported 14 sea eagles from Norway, to reintroduce the giant bird of prey into the wilds of Scotland. Unfortunately, they chose areas not quite wild enough, according to the Scottish Gamekeepers Association, which is calling for an inquiry into the feathered monsters with wingspans of up to eight feet:

Senator Chuck Schumer is looking out for Americans by lobbying for a ban on reusable grocery bags that contain high levels of lead because, "to add insult to injury, guess where these bags are made? China." Fearmongering... Schumer style. [NYP]

Newt Gingrich is preparing for Armageddon and he suggests you do, too, by purchasing his new movie America At Risk (just $19.95, plus $4 shipping). "This is the end of times. This is the final struggle," the film warns.

The Flight 93 memorial in Shanksville, Pa., supposedly honors the brave folks who sacrificed themselves during an in-flight power struggle on 9/11. So why does its design include a huge Muslim crescent pointing at Mecca? Here we go again.

In the mood for some bedbug-related fearmongering and/or pranks? Check out BedbugRegistry.com, where users catalog close encounters with the bloodsucking kind. Let us explore this terrorizing website and see whose lives we can ruin with it. Update: Bedbug Registry responds.

Iran, aided by Russian technicians, is about to open a nuclear reactor, to produce energy. Russia says it's implemented safeguards to ensure fuel can't be diverted for possible weapons programs. Still: Let's translate this into Drudge Report-ese, shall we?

It's hard to imagine the excitement within Fox News' offices yesterday upon hearing the words "Russian spies," which proved that Cold War is very much on. Glenn Beck, for one, is using it to show that our Enemies smell weakness.

Georgia Rep. Paul Broun is concerned about an energy bill killing old people in hot states. What happens when Floridians and Georgians turn up their thermostats in summer, to save on bills? Waves of death, says this esteemed "medical doctor."

Scott Brown is telling supporters his opponent in 2012 is going to be Rachel Maddow.

There are sketchy reports that Maj. Nidal Hasan tried to contact "people associated with Al Qaeda," and some are calling Ft. Hood "the largest single terror act in America since 9/11" — something both terrorists and wingnuts wish were true.

The Associated Press is reporting that, according to Ft. Hood's commander, witnesses to yesterday's massacre say Maj. Nidal Hasan was shouting "God is great" in Arabic as he was firing on his fellow soldiers.

It turns out the banks our government helped save are now bigger, stronger and more greedy than ever. And that means we're all doomed to live under an oligarchy. Russia, here we come!

Arizona has been on a crazy streak this week. Judge not, coastal elites; if you had vodka in your tampons and crystal meth in your highlighter, you'd be crazy too.

"Can a candlelit dinner give you cancer?" New research today suggests that, yes, that charming, romantic dinner your boyfriend was planning in your honor may just have been an attempt to kill you. [NYDN]

Yesterday it was tent cities, today it's Portland on the verge of a descent into a 28 Days Later-like hellscape. The New York Times is on a New Depression jag, and it's bringing us down.

Oh, this is exciting: Remember how Roone Arledge of ABC revolutionized TV sports by superimposing dramatic personal narratives onto matches, then revolutionized TV news with magazine shows like 20/20 and Nightline? Well, now ABC News is expanding on this pioneering legacy by venturing where no other news division has dared to go before (on purpose): fiction! Or, as ABC calls it, "reporting from the future." The network is asking everyone to imagine the hellscape of 2100 in order to "form a powerful... narrative about the perils of our future", and thus incite change. To do this, you just need to make a short video about how terrible things are going to be, based on a "briefing" from ABC's team of trained psychics. Here's the email pitch sent to some Columbia students yesterday: