The FDA is poised to ban the popular painkillers Vicodin and Percocet forever!

Have you ever used Zicam Cold Remedy? Did you subsequently lose your sense of smell, for life? If not, consider yourself lucky.

Talk about terrible timing: Just as bikini season is almost upon us, the nation's most popular over-the-counter diet pill, Hydroxycut, is being pulled from shelves today after the FDA announced that it carries serious health risks, something the agency discovery after a teenage boy died and several others required a liver transplant. A million bottles are sold of the "effective" weight-loss supplement each year, but it turns out that its "natural" ingredients can damage the liver, with symptoms including jaundice, vomiting, and excessive fatigue.

So it turns out that various "natural" weight-loss supplements may actually contain real drugs, but you'll have to hurry to get your hands on them before the FDA sniffs out all the products that don't disclose their exciting illicit ingredients. Following a class action lawsuit against StarCaps by NFL players who tested positive for the drug bumetanide, the pills—which are sold by surgerized socialite Nikki Haskell with the tagline "Dare to be thin!" and endorsed by her friends like Ivana Trump—have been pulled from the shelves of stores like GNC, and the FDA is continuing to test other diet supplements.

Well, it's the morning after, and boy do we feel pregnant. Luckily for us, our bellies are just engorged with drugs and alcohol, but that certainly doesn't mute our delight in reporting that the FDA, after three years of hand-wringing, finally approved over-the-counter sales of the morning-after pill. Now all you cupcakes career women shouldn't start freely stuffing your middles with creamy white filling just yet, as your drugstore won't have it until the end of the year. But rest assured it appears there will be less hipsters, bloggers, and Michael No-hers for us to kick around in the future.