The Literary Review has awarded its annual Bad Sex in Fiction prize to Rowan Somerville, a British eroticist who wrote this: "like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her."

Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah is the worst. "Bomb Iraq," he tells us one day, "bomb Iran" the next. What a jerk! And now he's rented himself an entire New York hospital wing to recover from surgery, while everyone else dies.

Alexander Ofner, a 39-year-old South Carolina man, was arrested for masturbating during a screening of Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows. Guess they did make that movie too damn sexy. But was he yearning for Harry's Potter or Hermione's Granger?

Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe pull the plug on their predatory credit card. Lindsay Lohan wants a restraining order against paparazzi. Tom Brady battles male pattern baldness. Brad Pitt's plague of poor fashion choices returns. Tuesday gossip is a lost cause.

One of the great things about growing up down South is the unending, pathological celebration of the Civil War. Wait, not "great"; bizarre and disturbing. The 150th anniversary of secession is just weeks away. Party time! Right? Yea!

He already has a famous boyfriend, now he just has to get divorced. This actress just had her first lesbian affair, and the ensemble on this TV show is falling apart. Do gays have something to do with that, too?

When Carlos Flores bravely leapt onto the 103rd St. tracks Sunday morning to pull a fallen old man to safety, he became at least the fifth official NYC Subway Hero in the past few years. But who's the most heroic?

On Saturday, The Washington Post ran an item on a college class about HBO's The Wire. "There is nothing that makes me more optimistic about the future of the country," Wire creator David Simon reportedly said. Which is almost right.

The Spanish government has decided that it's spending too much money cleaning chewing gum off the pavement. So, effective immediately, gum-droppers will be shot on sight. Kidding! No, the actual solution is to make gum less sticky.

In August 2008, William Vasilakos was arrested for disturbing the peace. His phone was confiscated. When he got it back, Vasilakos noticed that some sex videos he'd taken had been forwarded to an unknown number. Whose number? His arresting officer's.

What's Mulholland Drive director David Lynch up to these days? Funny you should ask! These days, David Lynch is writing sleek Superpitcher-style electro-pop singles, two of which were released today on iTunes. Here's "Good Day Today," which, honestly, isn't half-bad.

Some of the cables in Wikileaks' latest document dump showed Middle Eastern allies — Saudi Arabia, for example — pushing for an American military attack on Iran. And that's all Iran needs to spin this leak into a U.S. "plot."

It appears Lindsay Lohan has won a "Sober Shine Award." This placard appeared in front of LiLo's Palm Desert home, from which she commutes to the Betty Ford Clinic's outpatient rehab program. Inspiring or condescending? [Photo via Pacific Coast News]

After an awkward introduction to his ongoing live Q&A at Facebook headquarters, former President George W. Bush told CEO Mark Zuckerberg "you're not exactly Jay Leno." Zuckerberg replied that he avoids TV, which is funny since Bush avoids reading.

Though bears "look disturbingly like people when skinned," their meat resembles "the darkest part of a high-quality pork shoulder," reports Hank Shaw. He made Siberian bear dumplings and found them pleasingly juicy, much like a Tibetan yak meat momo. [Atlantic]

Parents: Did you already get Junior that $0.99 lead-enriched plastic coal lump for this year's Christmas present during the maniacal "Black Friday" stampede? Morons! You should've ponied up for "Resisting the Green Dragon," the Religious Right's anti-environmentalist DVD series.

Ever wonder what's it's like to race a bike from one tip of Manhattan to the other? Now you can practically sit on the handlebars as one rider takes you on his winning obstacle-laden journey downtown.

Hating Sarah Palin is a personal hobby of mine. But there are lines even I won't cross! GWAR—shock rockers who dress like Transformers at a swingers sex club—recently "went there" by disemboweling Sarah Palin in effigy on stage.

Doomed Sen. Joe Lieberman, after briefly praising CNN in a Don Imus interview today, quickly added, "But of course, really, Fox Business is my favorite and Fox generally, anything Rupert Murdoch owns." Jesus, even Murdoch doesn't like everything he owns.

Our second annual Thanksgiving Horror Stories contest generated many more tales of woe than last year's edition. But out of the thousands of awful holidays, these are the worst—or are they the best—as well as this year's winner.