Today we looked at the ever-growing empire of The Snooki, from Jersey Shore. The Snooki is everywhere! It's writing books, making TV appearances, and trademarking its name like crazy. One commenter wondered why it didn't snatch up more Snooki-related trademarks.

It's America's trashiest magazine, Steppin' Out! Our beloved New Jersey nightlife magazine printed "December 2011" on its cover this week. Luckily, editor-in-foolishness Chaunce Hayden offered no fewer than 27 half-naked Steppin' Out pin-up girls to make up for it.

President Obama introduced his new chief of staff, Bill Daley, at a briefing this afternoon, without any major incidents. Phew! Because the last time a president introduced Daley in this setting, Daley collapsed, and Al Gore had to save him.

The Veterinary Pet Insurance Company tabulated the most popular animal name for 2010: Bella. Yes, because of that vampire movie the kids won't shut up about. But what's really fun are the insane names given to some dogs and cats.

Want a bigger penis? Too lazy to buy a penis pump? Reality star Andrew Christian has the product for you: Shock Jock Flirt Brief with Male Features—undies with a fake penis to wear over your real penis.

He's baaaaack, thanks to TLC. Also today: everyone's favorite dreamvamp gets his ears lowered, bad news for Paula Abdul, good news for Katy Perry (which is bad news for us), and a misguided NBC show moves ahead.

Dr. Charles Bizilj took his eight-year-old son to a gun show two years ago. There, he videotaped his son's death, as the boy lost control while trying to test-fire an Uzi. Today, Bizilj is testifying in court. It is awful.

Not only are Uggs probably ruining your feet and, like, totally over, but now some doctors say they breed foot fungus that can seep into your toe nails and is hard to get rid of. Give them a rest, already!

Joe Biden was full of quips at yesterday's Senate kickoff ceremonies, as captured in this highlight reel of his interactions with senators' families. He had the same line for each young daughter: "No dating til you're 30!" A creepy-uncle classic.

Porn star/escort Kayla Coxx arrived at the apartment of a "date," and when he didn't have her full $2,000 fee, she saw some guns and grenades lying around. She did what any hooker would do. She called the cops!

Six tweenage girls from Nevada, the moral wasteland that bore demon Sharron Angle from its sandy loins, were arrested after police discovered a Facebook event they'd created that was dedicated to threatening certain teachers with violence.

More than a billion Chinese people eat Chinese food everyday. But when a bunch of American chefs try to cook Chinese food for Chinese people we get a hole in our hearts that goes all the way to China.

In this clip, Weather Channel meteorologist Stephanie Abrams talks about the weather while also, inadvertently, talking about things unloading on her and liking things that go in and out. Sounds like sex, right?

Someone in the House gallery during today's Ritual Reading of the Constitution shouted "Except Obama!" and "Help us Jesus!" when they got to the presidential eligibility requirements. Michele Bachmann was briefly worried that the world could hear her thoughts.

"Flamboyant" "outrageous" (and, sure, "very talented") figure skater Johnny Weir is apparently gay, according to excerpts from his new memoir that will appear in People. He says: "In a sexual way, I'm gay." Color us flabbergasted. Also: call us? [via]

A new FDA rule will force tobacco companies to disclose any changes they've made to their wicked products in the last four years. Hassle! Interference! Big government out of flavor country! But there is some great news for Newport smokers.

Here's a video of an off-duty St. Louis police officer beating and pepper-spraying a man at a gas station. ("It looks bad," says the mayor.) Elsewhere, a study is questioning whether drug-sniffing dogs even work. Is probable cause dead?

Well, well, well. Here we all were, excited for today's unabridged, complete reading of the Constitution on the House floor. But it's not going to happen: All of the original language preserving slavery (the good stuff) will be cut. Boo!

A disfiguring dance floor accident forced David Arquette into rehab. Eva Longoria rebounds with Penelope Cruz's brother. T.I. gets "frisky" in jail. James Franco: "Maybe I'm just gay." Thursday gossip hits rock bottom.

That's one way of dealing with weight gain you won't hear about in Weight Watchers. This reality show couple gets more physical than you imagined, and this entertainer is Hollywood's hottest beard. And, no, it isn't Jenny Craig.